RMiddleton

This painting is gorgeous and I made it!

What does it take to make a statement like that? Confidence? Cockiness? No, just my eyes and my visual taste. My love of seeing colors blend, loving layers, appreciating vibrant colors alongside muddy ones. Acceptance of irregularity. Fantasy. Sensuality. Openness. I love orange, I love pink. I love gold, I love turquoise. I love all colors and shapes. Abstract expressionist painting... abstract because it's not a representation of any specific object or narrative, expressionist because it expresses my feelings and my values. Yes my values. I was drawn to this style of paintings in museums for years before I ever made one myself. I felt emotional therapy staring into the vague expressions another human cared to create and share with the world. The work goes on inside myself, I do not worship artists. I look at this painting that I love and do not think of it as mine. It's not about me. Well, it's about me and my feelings because I live inside me. Ugh. What I mean is that it's about the viewer. I am the viewer of my own work. But it's not about me as maker. Be the change you want to see, some say. That's what I create, in my art and my words. My previous post complained about my inability to connect with others. I intend to expand on that. Then I thought I want to include my art in my posts. And here we are.

[current soundtrack while writing: mkmradio broadcast radio from Paris, free with occasional ads and announcements in French | changed during next paragraph to Miles Davis It Never Entered My Mind followed by the John Coltrane album Giant Steps]

What does it take to make & share art like that? Maybe confidence or cockiness, I don't know. There is a boldness to pointing at something and saying: I made this great thing from nothing except my hands and imagination. Besides that I do not profess to have any skill. Others can express opinions on the quality of my work if they want. I've been complimented on my facility with color. I say all it takes is being willing to do it. I don't know why others do what they do but as long as they don't hurt anyone I'm fine with it. Art is different because I'm not producing an income. I am not supporting myself. I said above that making & sharing my art may take boldness, but that's not how I feel. I feel humility. This is all I have to offer.

I switched my music accompaniment to jazz because I have compared my style of visual art to jazz. When I put out a finished piece I want it to be a harmony of discord. Conflict and resolution within the same small space. This work is my emotional therapy. The values I wish to promote are acceptance of more than we can comprehend. More than acceptance—appreciation, maybe even love.

I love my art. That's why I make it. I do live in a world surrounded by my own art. If I could afford originals I would live among the works of JMW Turner, Miró, Helen Frankenthaler, Cy Twombly, ... What am I saying? I like mine as much. Haha. Anyway I wouldn't want to hoard expensive art as commodity. There are TONS of artists whose work I enjoy, and many more I would love that I will never know of. I do appreciate being able to go into museums and experience our shared human heritage of art. But fame distresses me. I keep coming back to my baseline belief that I want all humans to share a good minimum standard of living. After that, rich folks can do whatever they want. I'll be happy with my art. Until that day comes there are many ways to support me.

Thanks!

I never got around to saying what I started to say. There's always a future post. I want to talk about distraction; what I consider my life's work to be; why friendships frustrate me—simple, annoying stuff like that.

recent posts on this blog probably should have been placed on Planet B but current pain levels prevent multilayered thinking

also I don't understand the difference between toward and towards so I'm probably going to have to rewrite the current title of this blog post

also I think I've lost all focus! Yes I blame pain for that. See it's like this: all progress encounters interference. The addition of pain at a high level makes overcoming standard level interferences unlikely. Right now I'm going to jettison this writing because my energy levels are low. New priority is to eat and take medications. I probably won't be back. I had a great post planned.

;)

Conversations are like this:

“Kids will say anything, like Why are your teeth yellow!”

“Oh I know. My niece said that to me!”

“They all do!”

“I was stunned and didn't know how to answer. Then later when they ordered cokes somewhere I said that that may be why my teeth aren't very white, because for years I've drunk a lot of brown liquids.”

“I use teeth whitening strips and baking soda toothpaste.”

“Yeah I've tried those too. Baking soda toothpaste is too salty for me and bleaching hurts my sensitive teeth. Fortunately a kind dentist once told me that not all teeth are naturally bright white, that ivory and cream colored teeth are perfectly normal. So I worry more about holes and sensitivity and gums than appearance.”

“I just like my teeth to be white.”

lifelong obsession with right and wrong & nowadays I want to put those terms in quotes What changed? Abstract art is part of it. Changing how my mind interprets. A long journey. Imagine competitive praying, World Championship Yoga Meditation tournaments ! Now don't imagine those things, they're terrible. Reality isn't a contest. Lives aren't ranked

incomplete that's the theme joined in the middle, in medias res so much to figure out, too much, need help and guidance that reproduces past misunderstandings, a % of rebelliousness is necessary for growth What %? Complete upheaval? gay atheistic socialism? Division. “find your people” but what about the rest? Tensions. Opposition. } = unnecessary strife in life strife in life strife in life the unavoidable strife in a life is living. stay alive. eat. protect. biological breakdowns. forgetfulness. focus. limits. nature's dangers. to survive the above humans align, support, care, love, console, repair, heal, invent, inspire together with other humans survival

Everything is a rough draft. And that's good. For me and for everyone. Improvement is possible. Slow, difficult, frightening, and always possible. I don't need to do anything beyond survive and I do not need to know anything beyond what's necessary for survival. Everything else is gravy. I happen to like learning how to make gravy, and a variety of many other sauces beyond that. That's fun. Life is fun. I like learning. I love learning. Again, rough draft. Keep revising.

I do not need to have or express an opinion about everything and everyone. I need to stay alive, safe, happy. Since a metaphor is incomplete, another way to look at life besides rough draft is that it's therapy. Revisions in writing are drafts. Life rewrites can develop through therapy. Therapeutic processes improve physical and mental health. It can be safest to work on major improvements with professional therapists. Changes are also being field tested in real time by all of us without professional supervision. If (when) someone speaks or behaves around me in a way that I believe is “suboptimal,” what are my options? Assess whether they are putting me, others, or themselves in danger. If so consider safe interventions. In most cases the offensive behavior is not threatening, in which case I am free to ignore it. Ignoring it might be the best option for my own mental health. I'm talking online and in person, when someone is acting out I might be best served by tuning it out. Or, to use my therapy metaphor, they are working on themselves, showing me their messy process. Like many a well trained therapist I can keep quiet. Let them keep fumbling around until they get to some better behavior. Then if I happen to be around for that I can chime in with encouraging words. But when I witness someone being an ugly mess I can remain unaffected. I really believe that I can.

(This therapist angle comes from some interactions on social media. You know the kind, when someone comments and you think, “Really? Why did you feel the need to say that?” And that's exactly it. I am seeing it as almost a compulsive need sometimes for people to say completely unwanted opinions. They're working on their own issues and I need not get involved even when it's a comment on my own post. My silence says, “this response does not speak to me,” and that's enough. They said what they wanted to say. I'm unaffected.)

I posted my crayon drawing to Insta with this caption:

How I choose music: I go to radiofreefedi.net and look at music licenses. CC means it's a Creative Commons license; BY tells me to attribute who the work is by; SA means “share alike” or “share again” or something. Basically I can't say that sharing ends with my use, I can't take ownership. These are the ways of creatives in the non-commercial realm of the internet that I like.

I've explained my crayon art therapy many times and so thought I would explain Creative Commons license instead. The final sentence is the latest in a string of passive aggressive digs at imeta users.

The world is us. The world won't change unless we change.

Yes, I realize I'm saying: We are the world

#100DaysToOffload is a tag created to encourage bloggers to post 100 days in a year. #1000TabsToOffload is a tag I came up with to describe my contribution to the 100 Days, sharing tabs I have been keeping open:

Manifesto for a Humane Web

A look at search engines with their own indexes

free stickers and temp tattoos

You Don’t Have To Hate Your Job To Want A Union

Glossary of ableist phrases

fedivision song contest

Primer: Primer is a music podcast about translation and illumination. In its first season, music writer Yosuke Kitazawa (PBS SoCal, Light in the Attic) joins Christian Dueñas to explore Japanese City Pop.

We Are the Curators of the Web

Púsāmán: To a Female Friend, By Qiu Jin Translated from Chinese by Yilin Wang

software you can host yourself

We need to finish building the Fediverse

To Stop Climate Change, We Have to Learn How to Love

The post below is a Planet B blog crosspost. I am playing. Current idea is for the A portions in the Planet B work of fiction to resemble personal blog reflections. I am merging my expressions of feeling and my fictional character's expressions as an exercise. For further information read Planet B

For this year's Pride Month I aspire to share something gay every day.

Body Positivity I enjoy being naked in my house. I live alone but I do believe if I lived with others I would appreciate a clothing optional home. I believe I would appreciate a clothing optional world — optional means each person decides what they wear. I believe some locations would want to require clothing, for safety reasons not shame-based reasons.

It is my “extreme” position that humanity must love all humans. That includes every human's body. (And mind!) There is more to biology than sexuality. There is no reason to have to wear clothes except for comfort. (Safer = More Comfortable, when all variables are considered).

And what of the risk of a rise in violent sexual attacks? Pledging to Respect Consent is central to the the social compact. Jury determines, beyond reasonable doubt, the veracity of accusations for this and all crimes against the social compact. Professional in the justice process guide the case for and against the accused. Accused would be detained until trial in cases of repeat offense or sufficiently dangerous accusation. Filing an accusation that fails to convict puts the accuser on trial for breaking the Compact. This high bar is considered a deterrent to malicious accusation. Like all portions of the Compact the details of the Justice System are subject to revision by majority vote. Elections occur at regular intervals as close or as far apart as is deemed best for society. [1]

※ [1] Current daily decision making within the justice system is in the hands of legislators and executive employees. (Of course I considered inventing a judicial branch role, then realized that my system does away with judges I believe. I replace them with bailiffs, or whatever title is decided. This professional (executive) employee maintains the fairness of the system that runs as voted by the peoples' representatives. The peoples' representatives who are elected at regular intervals, for now. (Yes I am deciding to use poeple + s-apostrophe not people + apostrophe-s.)) By Compact those executive employees agree to carry out decisions of the legislature as determined by the chief executive. (The chief executive may be called president if that's what folks prefer, but I believe chief executive to be the clearest title. I do not recommend CEO. Oooooh. Maybe I do! Maybe that's a twist that my good movement co-opts corporate language while also making humanist policies that reform current harmful corporate ways. Just a brainstorm right now, but the capitalism lingo is often straightforward. Boards. Board Chairs. Chief Executives. Quarterly Reports. Why would we discard every existing structure? We would not. We would reform when possible. Retain experts. Divert all energies towards beneficial projects. Ensure comfortable standards of living and health care for all. (I had to ADD health care — as if it were not already part of living! — because I'm from the ludicrously self-harming United States!!!!) Beneficial projects are encouraged by elected expert oversight boards that enforce regulations passed by larger elected bodies. A necessary commercial regulation is transparency so that citizens and expert bodies may keep informed of all workings of all corporations (that are themselves a freely assembled group of people). Other regulations pertain to safety standards. Safety standards include the physical and mental health of all who work in every corporation. (Again I can't believe I have to argue that safety includes health!) Corporations are not formed by rich people looking to get richer. Corporations spring naturally from a free market of ideas. Free speech, free association, and in no time humans are thinking up group endeavors. A huge number of group endeavors require no pre-approval. More freedom than most people experience today. Within a social compact that vows to eliminate all harm. Harm that can be prevented is prevented. Acts of intentional harm break the social Compact. Accusations are processed in the manner described above. I think I need to add: .)

The most recent previous post is pinned and therefore does not appear in sequence. Projects & Aspirations is what it says. It will be updated. It's incomplete. It's a good start.

Facebook is no longer a medium for Rob inputs or outputs. Like, at all. My account was deleted. I may say more about it here eventually. I did nothing salacious. I did, and so far continue to do, nothing at all.

I made a new crayon coloring video the last time I woke up (yesterday at 7pm). It was the first time in a long time that I woke up wanting to be awake. The pain has been bad lately. Waking with no motivation is common so I was happy when yesterday/today started differently.

I've been half-listening to sci-fi audiobooks that I'm not super interested in. As is the case with some recent inspirational recommendations I am trying to avoid books closely related to topics I wish to write about. I have a sense that some media helps inspire me while others may interfere with what I seek to produce.

Recent thought-provoking media inputs include Schulman's Conflict Is Not Abuse and Philosophy Tube's Judith Butler video essay. “Thought provoking” does not signify total agreement. Specific points of disagreement, in fact, are what I feel inspired to expound on. Again, eventually. Everything is eventual. I have little ability to predict my future functioning. Lately I've contemplated joining TikTok and Neocities. They're 2 totally opposite style places, but the same reason has held me back from both. I do not think I have the spoons. [Explore spoon theory via quality search results at search.Marginalia.nu.]

It's 6:15am. Good night! Update: it's now 8:40 and I haven't slept. My eyes are burning but I haven't slept yet.