I have preferred abstract imagery over words for expressing my thoughts because writing feels finite & imagery feels infinite.
A reason that I live in the city where I grew up is that it feels less like a choice than moving. Here is here, I've thought; whereas Elsewhere is... where? Why choose one place over all the others? As I prepare to move Away I'm drawn to the practice of regular written reports as a way to share my progress with others — and to help keep me motivated.
In other words I'm plunging myself into circumstances that I dislike: committing to make a choice from an array of options in where to lay my head in 2026 & in what to write about weekly & monthly.
There's one thing that painting and writing (and even where I'll live) have in common — the pejorative question, Who cares?!
This week's newsletter is divided into 2 parts: Fun & NoFun. The Fun part is about pop culture, specifically Star Wars: Andor season 2 (mild spoilers). The NoFun half is an inward rumination that builds on last week. Read either or both or none. Yay consent!
In the last 12 hours I've shared videos on insta and twitch in which I discuss longstanding self improvement goals. On the one hand if I haven't “resolved” certain issues after 30 years it might seem time to admit defeat. On the other hand, binary framing is one of the very habits I work to overturn. In one video I look left and right at my hands, then turn them horizontal to represent tier ranking. Perceiving the world in the frame of simple binary right & wrong and/or expanding to tier ranking are both unhealthy limitations on my development. The same struggles, the same questioning may not change; but growth emerges in how I respond.
I've been saying, “I'm not doing well enough to get better,” all year. I've said it to my sister & I've said it to my boyfriend. They're not doing well enough to help me.
I want to address the way I talk. Someone in the Scribes&Makers group on Mastodon said not too long ago that I had a positive energy that inspires others. And another stranger who found my twitch stream said they thought I was a great person. I am willing to accept compliments if others are willing to tolerate honesty.
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I will also offer monthly & seasonal options for keeping up with me. It is unrealistic to expect corporations to keep us connected. Whenever possible I choose nonprofit spaces with no ads, no tracking, and where I have control. I recently purchased 2 new URLs: Rartsy.com is now showing available paintings & Humanissome.org embeds my video streams & social media activity.
The embedded post below is the topic for this week's update:
Streamed again this morning after a 2-week vacation. I thought it went well; I divided the stream into one more talking & one more quiet. During the quiet I listened to music as I cleaned & stuff, only occasionally talking to the camera. I thought I understood the twitch rules about copyright. Based on past experience it seemed they allowed it live & silenced it for replays. But no. I think they did something unexpected to my videos this morning that included music. They seem to have been deleted. I'll check tomorrow morning.
※ silent views of nature
※ kitchen organization
※ reading from This Arab Is Queer: next up, Zeyn Joukhadar's essay Catching The Light: Reclaiming Opera As A Trans Arab
※ abstract paintings
※ cough drop comparison
※ me wrestling with the concepts of Right and Wrong
“Do you believe in Right & Wrong?”
In the super long mega song American Pie by Don McLean there is a portion that begins, “Do you believe in rock & roll…” It’s one of the many snips of music lodged in my permanent memory that my mind transforms into one of my humanism hymns.
“Do you believe in Right & Wrong?” is an undying conundrum for me.
If I believe in Right and Wrong then pain is wrong. Accomplishment is right. Busyness & business are right. Indolence, a word that means “not hurting” in its derivation, is wrong, because it has come to mean lazy. Why is lazy wrong? Lying down, lazing about, is deemed immoral. It's no wonder that US Americans burn out and have to be reminded to rest.
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the peace of God which surpasseth all understanding
There's a line from the Bible that comes to me often. I suspect it has been incorporated into a Catholic blessing or the order of the mass; and that's how it got lodged in my memory. It's the name of a lovely hymn by John Tavener. I took time to see how I would feel about the meaning in context. Here I present, from the Letter of Paul to the PHILIPPIANS Chapter 4, the parts that are meaningful and the parts that are not meaningful to me:
(from This Arab Is Queer: An Anthology of LGBTQ+ Arab Writers, edited by Elias Jahshan)
Selections:
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3. Never let anyone tell you that you can be dehumanised. Language has many powers, but this is not one of them. Tragically, you are always human – when you oppress, and when you are oppressed. The illusion that more is possible is the root of all evil.
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5. Do not mistake cynicism for criticism, or criticism for intelligence. Rid yourself of cynicism, which is self-loathing projected outward. It's an inability or unwillingness to account for one's actions and intentions without condemning yourself, and so you damn everyone.
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7. You are capable of so much more than you imagine – especially kindness. This is a criticism. What have you imagined recently that wasn't a worst-case scenario? This is a seed. Turn it into a door to another world.