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Remember when we made lists in shared notes of things to do, movies to stream, restaurants to go to — and then when we were together we never consulted the lists?!

I can be a broken record. [What a funny metaphor today!] I have discussed before in a blog that I struggle with lists. What does it mean to make a plan & not follow it? That's a big question for my life.

I went to college, didn't finish. What was my plan? My only plan was to get out of my home & my hometown. So once I did that much I ran out of momentum. That's incomplete. It could be expanded with a giant blank:

Once I did that much and {____________________} failed to materialize I ran out of momentum.

I thought that great things would carry me along, once I plunked myself into one of America's greatest universities. [1] At the very least I expected what was in the brochures: mentoring relationships with professors, thoughtful conversations on meaningful topics, energetic focus on how to improve ourselves and our world. I almost got pulled into a thing or two — things that weren't that great, in one case because of a strange, abusive man, and in the other case because the opportunity was mundane. And as far as I remember those were the only opportunities that crossed my path in my years at Princeton. I think most graduates go to New York for finance or consulting. I do not feel I missed anything by missing that. I had difficulties. I left in my senior year and didn't graduate. But if I had managed to finish I was not on track to emerge in bloom. I got the most out of my first year — just getting there, full of enthusiasm — and less the longer I was there. I was detached even while I was still in place.

I enjoyed painting in my last 2 years, but that was entirely from me. The space & materials that Princeton provided were good. The instructor was unobtrusive. My phenomenal experience of painting was all me. It has been ever since. I'm stubborn. I am a painter. I am a professional artist. I have a 30-year career of which I am proud. I have no income & I guess I'm mad about it. I don't want to do more than all that I've already done. If I have to do more than that to earn a right to exist, then what that means is that art is disrespected by my society. I'm at the point where I do not even want to complete forms to apply for things. I want to send images and only write: The work speaks for itself. Can you imagine? Every committee would think I was the most arrogant artist alive! Those words don't even mean that I think my art is “so great.” What I'm saying is that I'm a visual artist. Promote my work or don't. Artists having to fight over scraps disgusts me.

Rartsy.com

There's a whole galaxy out there waiting to disgust me. (Andor reference.) Andor ended its 2nd season. I loved the show in its entirety without having to love every story line or episode. I've learned more of just how different all we humans are, even among the similar. When I'm laid up with pain, as I've been, I often watch YouTube reactions to programs I like. Many of my fellow Andor lovers go gaga over moments that underwhelm me. I love the entity of Andor. I love specific specifics. I do not seem to love the same big moments that many others do. I love Andor for its small moments. I love its slowness. Now that it is over I am happy that it was 2 well-planned seasons & no more. I've seen fans complain that it's over. I like that it's over. I wish more shows would end (looking at you, Severance). But since I'm often a convalescent, there is a gaping hole now that it has ended. While house sitting I got to see Murderbot on Apple TV. I really like it but they're not making it fast enough. Now, since this is produced from a book series as source material, and it is much lighter in tone than Andor, I would be happy for Murderbot to continue for as long as possible. Murderbot is like Hacks. (It is nothing like Hacks.) These shows are mostly light, with depth that's there if you're into it. Better than typical sitcoms and other TV nothingness, but not so demanding as “prestige TV.” My favorites like Andor & Better Call Saul are demanding. Lighter is nice. Murderbot is not as junk food as Doctor Who and not as heavy as Andor. (By watching reviews I've also learned that there are those who do not see Doctor Who as junk food. I like the show. I like the lore, I like the progressivism. It still feels unimportant to me.) The experience of watching Murderbot is somewhat like good Star Trek that's genuinely funny and progressive. I hope the series garners enough audience to continue.

I was going to embed the trailer for Murderbot but it contains too many spoilers imo. I'll just include a new-to-me song I'm liking:

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[1] The word great is sarcastic.