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humanissome is wrestling with failure tied to alienation (spiritual loneliness)

Video streamed this morning to: https://www.twitch.tv/humanissome

Long term home: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqLErg25tE8

Media Mr. Show with Bob and David, pre taped call in show, cued to freakout: https://youtu.be/mhVbLJvYP8s?t=186

Wilson Cruz in Matt Baume's video on Cruz's groundbreaking character Ricky on My So Called Life, cued to where Cruz sees the character today: https://youtu.be/cjhxnRlleLo?t=3704

Script Rob in Recovery: Failure Unfinished projects, or Will this video be another Part 1 of 1? (Or even more commonly just not get made.) If you've seen my channel you might be shocked to think that I have any productions that don't make the cut. My quality control is lower than Boar's Head. This is where I pretend someone is speaking in my ear: My lawyers ask me to rewrite the previous joke to say: My quality control is lower than any capitalist industry that produces potentially life threatening goods. Haha but Rob you're streaming, the first joke is still in. I think jokes are free of libel risk & it's also true that Boars Head recently distributed dangerous meat. Look it up. Obviously I'm off topic here so I'll keep going and say that I think corporations that are found grossly negligent should receive the death penalty, their assets seized and allocated to a more trustworthy entity. Corps want to be people. I want to see corps pay for their crimes. I hope to do an episode on recovery from capitalism. For now I'll say that I don't want to subject anyone to psychological abuse by forcing you to watch ads. As soon as I can I will move this channel's main home to PeerTube, which is an ad free, de-centralized version of YouTube... with about 69 nice viewers. My audience might actually go UP by moving there. I'll probably keep having presences on Twitch and YouTube for discovery purposes. Or, to be more accurate, none of this is likely to happen. I want to be honest and say the reason I can't make any future promises ever is chronic disability — but this isn't the chronic disability episode it's the failure episode. At this point if I had editing capabilities I would insert David Cross hosting the pre-taped call in show and screaming. I feel like that sometimes and I miss big laughs. Oh wait. I'm going to go all in on poor production. If you're willing to watch this you're willing to watch this.

YouTube Mr. Show pretaped call in show https://youtu.be/mhVbLJvYP8s?t=186 https://dotart.blog/70scs5h7rk

So here's my no spoons media setup. While I'm here I'll cut to the next topic I want to talk about using a video clip. Before I do I will acknowledge that I'm playing a tv show clip from within someone else's video. If you hang out on YouTube you may have heard of Illumine naughty, someone who built a huge channel and allegedly stole a lot of other people's work. If you don't know this story there were about 200 videos made about it, feels like under a year ago. Just start typing Illuminati the right way then change the end to naughty. If you enjoy tedious deep dives and infighting and learning about a seemingly, allegedly horrible person. By the way I'm throwing in so many alleged lies because it seems far more likely to me that this person would find me and sue me than the meatpacking company. iN She did her alleged stealing to make money and I am not. Put an asterisk there. I am doing it for financial reasons tho. I have no income and subscribe to no steaming services. Besides money, spoons are another thing I don't have. My production choices are due to these factors. Remember I have chronic disability and I don't have money. Here's the clip. I'm only showing the portion of My So Called Life because I'm not commenting on the video this clip is embedded in. But I am stealing his research in a way — though I think this is how culture works. Like clips from documentaries inspire us. In any case I respect Matt Baumé and encourage you to go see his video that I'll link to. If you want the full experience of his video before or instead of watching mine, I totally understand. Ok are the decent people gone? I hope so because I'm going to talk about my unpleasant reaction to someone who seems super pleasant, Wilson Cruz. Wilson Cruz is a queer actor known for playing groundbreaking characters (most recently he and Alan Tudyk play a married couple with a queer found family on st discovery. Wow alan tudyk is in Star Trek and Star Wars. How many actors have done that? And also firefly? Anyway enough beating around the bush, here's seemingly wonderful Wilson Cruz saying à seemingly wonderful thing clipped in a video by seemingly wonderful Matt Baumé: Um wait a little longer so I can say I love this video and recommend everyone see it. I could just put baumes video on and we could enjoy it together. Seriously go watch it. Especially because this clip is the very last moment of an hour long video. I know! That's why I say please go watch the original first. What I'm about to say after I play this clip is only for miserable people anyway and you don't want to be that. Ok ok. I'm assuming everyone is gone. Here's what I want to talk about:

https://youtu.be/cjhxnRlleLo?t=3704

1:01:44 to 1:02:22

If anyone is watching this I have a serious question: am I the only one with mixed feelings listening to that?

That's why in this episode I'm in recovery from failure — and it's not going to be resolved today. Here are my issues: The way to imagine success for this fictional character is that he follow a path of amazing success similar to the one experienced by the actor. Cruz says his character would be hob nobbing with stars. Why is that validating? And he says that Ricky who was bullied in high school would become the most successful— no, he says famous, person from that school. Validation through fame, is what I see. I wanted that. Is that what I'm attempting here? Add that to the list of things to cover later: Money & Fame seeking.

Let's get some good things out of the way first. This clip is lovely. An actor, at a very young age, inhabits a character so much like himself and imagines that character also following a similar, successful life path. That's beautiful. Much more beautiful coming from him than in my summation. It's tear jerking. And when I first watched this video and talked about it on Mastodon I said that this show might have helped me a lot if it had come out years earlier. It helps to see someone like ourselves in media. As a kid to see someone like me who finds loving support I would have — well, I can't say what. I might have just been angry and felt it was unrealistic to find support, because I didn't know that experience. Just like I can be irritated with this imagined successful future? Maybe. Because what I'm talking about IS failure. Oh good. Always keeping on theme haha. Go on. But I had a lot of opportunities to succeed. And there are many ways that I am not like Wilson Cruz or his character Ricky. I'll come back to that shortly. — I went to Princeton university. I majored in psychology before I fell in love with abstract painting. Fear of failure and fear of success were definitely in some textbooks of mine. But I don't remember their explanations being about a desire for fairness. Now, granted, I didn't graduate and I never studied too hard. But also, I have a pretty good memory for the things I'm interested in. I could do some light research but this series is about feelings while in treatment. Ok so I think that nearly all the mental conditions I learned about were individually focused. Meaning that a Fear of success would be rooted in some disorder. But have you seen the meme: I want all of us to make it? Well that's not possible, in our current system. May not be possible ever. In general, psych teaching on disorders is grounded in the ways an individual does not fit into their society. Again this is just my memory from being a psych student and patient. I'm open to hearing all the ways my facts might be wrong. But not my feelings. Sorry for that glitch. Replay: In general, psych teaching on disorders is grounded in the ways an individual does not fit into their society. BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEIR SOCIETY SUCKS? What about when dysfunction is normalized in their society. Now I know that disordered societies are studied, and most likely even by me. I could tell you the classic examples used when studying disordered societies but instead let's just say that much instruction and treatment is biased to view 20th century American society as functional. Not all. Not all of course. But speaking of courses I studied at Princeton, an environment that believed pretty strongly that the existence of Princeton was good. And to believe so requires a lot of additional beliefs and assumptions, many of which are delusional, not true. Again, this is self talk video therapy not research. But all I'm saying is that systems are rarely sufficiently self critical. And that perpetuates systemic dysfunction. Education is unfair. Elite education is unfair. The way we rank intelligence is unfair and inaccurate. It's at this point that many people shrug So What? What can you do? I gotta take care of my and those I love. And I seriously wonder if I'm the way I am because of not sufficiently loving me & mine. I mostly don't believe I have any mine! I don't have people. I hate saying that because I do have friends. But I just can't explain it. Maybe later. Fear of intimacy ¿or caring? I mean, isn't this intimacy, a type of intimacy? Am I fame seeking?!

There's a way to look at life as searching for your people. Maybe Ricky finds them in the queer community, the fashion community, the Met gala, his famous friends. And maybe he gets a kick out of knowing that he succeeded in ways his bullies never did. And is that good? In the way we tell stories, yes. That's usually good. But I tell stories like this [abstract painting]. Because sensible stories leave me dissatisfied.

Believe me I want to stop. There's so much left to say. Maybe I will stop. Maybe I'll make a series after all.

And maybe I won't. I am unstable, have no idea how I'm paying my expenses this month, and I'm unstable. If even one viewer found their way to one of my sponsorship links it would be an amazing honor. I will include a link in the description. For now there's a pinned link called mutual appreciation at https://www.humanisso.me and on my Linktree at www.RMiddleton.art If you're seeing this and the year is not 2024 check the description. I may soon change my registered domains for stupid capitalist scam reasons.

And with that I bid thee a fond farewell. Until next time.

hasta luego.

COME BACK TO: Money Fame seeking My privilege Fear of intimacy ¿or caring?

What if when I posted financial support links a dozen new patrons gave small recurring donations

What if my mother was open to emotional growth

What if my gay godfather, the only adult I felt kinship with, had not died of AIDS before I was out

What if the country I live in was committed to improving the lives of all people

What if I had free healthcare

What if I sold paintings at the last major show I put on

What if a friend or family member broke the facade to have a quiet, caring conversation

What if I knew one stable, serious, caring person in a position to help who wanted to help

What if meaningful jobs were plentiful instead of the exploitative jobs I had

What if I were part of a caring community

To my friends and family: I don't know if you don't get me, or if you're scared, or you just don't get me. Maybe I offend you, or you think I'm dangerous, or you don't get me. I'm sure the truth is that you probably don't think about me very much at all. You have your own considerations. Or maybe you did reach out to me and I didn't acknowledge it. If that happened I can say that I may not have seen it. I block out a lot of incoming communication because spam and corporate dehumanization and deception actually hurts me emotionally. Maybe you're the same way and that's why you don't see me. Or maybe you're barely getting by. Maybe I annoy you. I annoy me. But as I say I figure that you have enough to keep you occupied. Why would anyone take on a problem? I wonder sometimes, do you wonder too, how people end up on the streets? Or fully dissociated? Ever since my 20s I've had recurring periods when I felt disconnected from others to the point that I imagined myself on the streets.

One mystery I contemplate is that it may be possible that others feel close to me and I don't feel close to them. Then again I'm not sure that's possible because I'm the one saying that I'm alone. So if you did think we were close here I am saying that we're not. I think it must be a matter of perspective. In an old song Howard Jones asks: What is love? And does anybody love anybody anyway? That level of questioning resonates with me, and maybe it doesn't resonate with others. I've often felt a conflict between loyalty to ideas & loyalty to people. Maybe others don't feel this conflict. Maybe they do, but few speak of it. Maybe it seems futile to ask so many questions that deconstruct societal bonds.

I watched a recent retrospective on the tv show My So Called Life, a program that might have done me some good if it had come out a decade earlier. The two bits that stuck out to me were the attitudes of the mother of the main character. For one she wanted to know “what type of family” her child's friends came from. My mom spoke like that all the time. And when her child says that she could be the one in the desperate situation that her friend is, the mother responds with angry denial, “that could never happen to you!” There is a strong belief in special status among “my people” (those I come from but feel no connection with). Bad things happen to other people. And maybe those people deserve it! This delusional thinking prevents empathy and it also causes self harm. We all will die. It might not be elegant. We all will need help. A disaster can take everything away from us in an instant. Belief in class privilege prevents planning. We all do better when we all do better. There is no one among us better than any other.

What if we acted according to that truth

What if

Every 2 weeks I post a new art challenge prompt! The new #KWPrompts is #Fall

It is the 24th of September & the temperature where I live is in the mid-80's (30° c). I am going to spend the next 2 weeks manifesting the spirit of autumn as hard as I can, & maybe the weather will take the hint. I hope you will join me! Let's spend the next 2 weeks making autumnal art! You can submit a new piece of art every day, work on one piece for 2 weeks, or post them randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want. Just make sure you tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Use #KWPrompts #Fall &/or tag me so I can see how you think!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- beginner to expert, renaissance painting to rough sketch! No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

A monster reveals himself and a lot of awkward questions are answered. (From Tales from the Valley: Phantasmagory Shorts)

CW: horror themes, briefly: gunshot wounds, monster gore —–+

Well, the situation was well and truly teakettled. I'd really gone and done it now.

When I turned and looked at her, Jenna skittered back with a small, terrified squeak.

Fair.

I had a pretty good idea what I looked like right then, soaked head to toe in former wall-demon, too many legs arched angrily around me. All the focus I usually set aside to look like a human being had gone out the window because I was tired and pissed off and shot an unreasonable amount of times.

Joe had gotten four hits on me before he ran off. Black blobs of whatever the hell I'm made of oozed down my back. It would have been nice if he'd shot that horrible thing he'd made come out of the wall while he was at it, but you know. Points for managing to hit anything, I guess.

My heart sank. This was probably the start of the end for them, then. The valley was a feedback loop once people started losing it.

Once people realized there was no way out.

But hey they'd lasted two, three weeks, give or take a month. I don't know, time is kind of messed up here. Good on them, though. That was better than some...

I hated this.

Why did this always happen? I didn't even really know these people. I didn't even like them.

It was my fault they were here, so of course I felt guilty. Of course I felt bad, but what the hell could I do about it?

I rubbed my face and started going over my roster of hide-outs for the impending shitstorm. I waved most of the gore off. There was no point keeping up the “real person” act now that they saw me for what I was. The bullet wounds would have to wait until I was out of viewing range, unless I wanted to arm wrestle with someone's idea of how shot to shit I was supposed to be.

Jenna was injured. Her nerve signals were screaming Leg! Leg! in the back of my mind. I felt a pang of guilt. Someone should probably help her. I turned to look again and she skittered further back.

“Stay away...” she said.

OK, someone non-abomination shaped should probably help her, but we were experiencing a shortage currently.

“Your leg is broken,” I said, unhelpfully. She flinched. I guess I sounded about as bad as I looked. “There's splints and morphine in the laundry room. I don't know where the hell they got the morphine from though, so maybe just, uh.”

“What...” she squeaked, and honestly yeah. What indeed.

What was the point? What did it matter? It didn't, that's what. I felt sick to my stomach. She'd be dead in a week, maybe less if she was lucky. Why was I bothering? Really, there was no use sticking around making this lady's day any worse. I turned to leave.

“Wait,” she said before I could vanish. “You're hurt.”

I hesitated. This was a mistake because, for both emotional and injury-related reasons, I needed to get the hell out of there.

“Not really,” I said. “You just saw me get shot.”

She stared at me blankly.

“You think I'm shot, so am,” I tried again. It was a little more complicated than that, but now didn't really seem like the time to get into nuance. “Like the thing in the wall. It's why I was trying to distract you.”

She was quiet for a while. Assuming that satisfied her terror-fueled curiosity, I turned to leave again. No such luck.

“So then...”

The pain in my back began to fade and I could feel my shoulder muscles knitting back together. I'll be honest, I was perplexed. There was clearly some kind of misunderstanding going on here. I was already leaving. There was no need to go fishing for mercy points.

“What are you doing?” I asked and the confusion must have been enough to offset my horror-movie vibe for a minute.

“You can't just walk around bleeding everywhere,” she said with a sniff. “It's unhygienic.”

I made a weird little involuntary giggle noise at that. Suave. I can't imagine what that must have looked like coming out of whatever the hell I am.

“Right, wouldn't want to mess up the furniture,” I gestured at the ruined living room.

“What was that thing?” Jenna shivered and surveyed the wreckage. “For that matter, what are you?”

“Some asshole's personal problems,” I muttered, politely ignoring the second question, less politely ignoring the little voice that said I'd just answered it anyway. “It was something he made up. A reoccurring nightmare, maybe, or some kind of phobia.”

“It looked like his uncle.”

Yikes.

“Well, he should probably go do therapy about it instead of trying to kill us, but what do I know. Guess that's kind of off the table here, though.”

Jenna grimaced. People never liked my sense of humor. Oh well.

She gave me one last wary up-and-down before hoisting herself on an overturned couch. Her leg gave out from under her and I dove to stop her impaling herself on a pedestal table without really thinking about how that might come off. She grabbed onto me anyway, and let me help her back down. I tried my best not to loom.

“What are you?” she asked again. I still wasn't having it.

“Great question. I have no idea,” I said to the ceiling. It was spattered in wall-demon. I looked at the floor instead, which was also spattered in wall-demon. After a minute or so of awkward non-looming, I did feel bad about leaving it there. “Well. That's not true. I have some idea, but I don't like the answer.”

“I see,” she said.

We spent a while where I stood there not elaborating and she sat there on the floor with a broken leg until we both decided it was best to move on.

“Fine. Can you help me up, please?” she sighed.

I guess we were overlooking the whole abomination thing now, then.

I carried her to a less hazardous part of the living room and set her down on one of the few intact-adjacent couches. When I went to stand back up though, she kept a hold of my arm, eyes wet and pleading.

“What's happening to us? What is this?” she whispered. I felt that awful sinking feeling again. “Please tell me. Please.”

I couldn't handle this. I hated it, hated it. Why did this always happen? Why?

So, I confessed.

I explained the valley, explained why she was there. I let her cling to my arm as I explained what was probably happening to her brain and felt a little bit like dying.

She cried, she begged, and the whole time she gripped my arm like I might disappear. Which was a fair enough read, honestly.

When she asked if I wanted this, if I did it on purpose, I didn't have the heart to lie. The righteous anger on my behalf was mortifying. The pity was horrific. I have enough of my own pity, thanks. The fact is, it was my fault she was here, no matter how much say I had in the matter. I did this to her and I hated that I couldn't make her understand that.

We sat like that for a while, arm in arm, her asking trembling questions, me looming over her like the terrible thing I was.

“Well this sucks,” she said, eventually. Boy, didn't it. “It must be tough. Watching this happen again and again.”

I had nothing to say to that, because if I opened my mouth I was probably going to cry and today had been awkward enough.

“You don't have to answer. I understand,” she said. Bless her, she did not, but the sentiment wasn't lost on me. I was not in the right head-space for another round of sentiment though, so I tried to excuse myself for the third time that night.

I gently pulled my arm away and tucked it behind my back with the rest of my awful appendages. The legs were starting to fade, but I still kept them folded away as out of sight as I could. They weren't really meant to bend like that, but they weren't really meant to exist either, so my aching joints could kindly shut up.

“You're in a lot of pain. I can tell from your nerve signals,” I said. Very cool, a very normal-human thing to tell someone. That train had sailed though, so the least I could do was try to be useful. “Let me go get the medical kit.”

“Can't you just fix it? Like I did for you?” she asked.

“No. That's... different. Best I could do is convince you it's fine. You'll hurt yourself even worse that way.”

And see, that was the thing. Real people didn't just bounce back once no one was looking. Real people also didn't have Cronenburg moments when they got too distracted and forgot to be person-shaped. Usually. The point was, real people died when things like me fucked with their sense of possibility, messed around in their heads and generally went around scaring the shit out of them. The valley was a feedback loop, after all, and I was the engine driving it.

I really, really needed to leave.

“Do you think Joe is alright?” Jenna asked as I turned away, a little quiver in her voice.

I felt around for him with my mind. Joe was curled up in the basement hugging his Colt .45 like a teddy bear.

“He's fine.” He was probably not fine. “After I get something for your leg, I'll go try and reason with him.”

“You shouldn't,” she said. “He'll shoot you again.”

“Probably. I'll be paying attention this time, though. I'm harder to hit when I'm paying attention.”

It's true. I'd only been shot twice before, and once was my own fault.

By then, I'd regained enough control to have the normal amount of legs again, but the fact that the real-life person in the room was still convinced I was a real-life Halloween costume was overriding most of my other adjustments. I could feel the bolts of static rippling across my face when I looked back at her. I didn't really want to think about what she saw when she looked back at me.

—–+ #Horror #ShortStory #Writing #Fiction

Every 2 weeks I post a new art challenge prompt! The new #KWPrompts is #Happy It's my birthday, & I want to know what makes you happy.

Painting makes me happy Sewing makes me happy Gardening makes me happy

I got this rosemary for my birthday! It practically fills my tiny porch. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pictures randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want. Just make sure you tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Use #KWPrompts #Happy &/or tag me so I can see how you think!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara All art styles & skill levels are welcome- beginner to expert, renaissance painting to rough sketch! No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

I see a post, a place I'd rather be. The money it would take to be there! (& the environmental harm!!)

Same video on open source mirror: https://yewtu.be/qNPbokfyotY

Realizing that I may never enjoy travel again but as a USAmerican I'm closer to that lifestyle than the majority of Earthlings. That's what Americans do not want to give up, I think. Their relative privilege. “If the world is closer to destruction than ever I may as well enjoy it.” Liberals think this! “The world has never been fair and equal, that's not my fault. Why should I suffer for things that aren't my fault?” Not realizing or believing that our privilege also gives us disproportionate power to make the world better. Maybe the Earth is closer to destruction than ever before; it's also closer to universal dignity than it's ever been. I happen to believe that greater fulfilling happiness comes from embracing humanist love for all than from trying to get as much for myself as I can.

Yet who am I to talk of happiness? I'm not so happy. I say it's because I must live amongst dehumanists while trying to be humanist. I hope to find a way to be. If and when I do I'll let you know.

Every 2 weeks I post a new art challenge prompt! The new #KWPrompts is #Waterscape We've done skies, we've done landscapes, it's time we stop messing about & make some waterscapes! Waterscapes are one of the top subjects in art throughout history & around the world. From watercolor to oil to woodblock print, everyone loves a good waterscape!

Don’t want to limit yourself to already existing waterways? You don’t have to! Make ones nobody has seen before, or ones nobody should ever see! Let’s spend the next 2 weeks thinking about waterscapes!

You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pictures randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want. Just make sure you tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Use #KWPrompts #Waterscape &/or tag me so I can see how you think!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- beginner to expert, renaissance painting to rough sketch! No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

Detail of More Perfect Union, an abstract expressionist painting of acrylic, oil, marker, and newspaper on canvas. The painting was made in 2013. The title comes from a small piece of newspaper stuck to the surface of the painting that shows a photo of a couple in the New York Times weddings section. Prior to nationwide legalization of gay marriage in 2015, the Times began publishing same sex marriage notices in its pages. The fight over recognition of all marriages was in the news and on my mind for many years. The couple (not shown in this detail; it's just as well — schedule an appointment or buy it to see!) in the announcement attached to this painting is a man and a woman with an “androgynous” short haircut. It amuses me that on first glance I saw a male-male couple; I wanted to see it that way. Gender nonconformity is wrapped into the LGBTQ community's equal rights struggle — we are also fighting for the right to be a slightly built, soft spoken straight man & a tall, short-haired straight woman. What just happened in Paris is a Cis woman being harassed due to transphobia. Equal rights are always best understood as protection for everyone. There can never be a single “normal ideal” that's beyond all suspicion. “Mind your own damn business” makes for a funny retort that VP candidate Tim Walz has been employing to fend off the right's nonstop harassment campaigns. But so much more is possible than the negative freedom of leaving others alone. All freedom is interwoven. Respect for self is necessary to respect others & respecting others strengthens self respect. Truly loving ourselves transcends skin, appearance, and abilities. A more perfect union is love for all.

Every 2 weeks I post a new art challenge prompt!

This week I'm running a bit late...

I had 2 goals in mind as I headed into August this year. I wanted to find a new teaching job, & I wanted to participate in every day of the #AuGhost art challenge. Instead, I got COVID for the 1st (& hopefully only) time. On August 1st I felt a tickle in my throat. Since a family member had recently tested positive, we decided to quarantine even though we didn't have positive COVID tests. I am so glad we did- for the next few days I was barely able to get out of bed! I didn't get a positive COVID test until August 3rd. Nearly 2 weeks later, I am still unable to stand for more than 15 minutes without getting dizzy, I have to take frequent naps to get through the day, & in spite of all that I still get so tired I go to bed around 9pm. It's only in the last few days that I have been able to spend enough time out of bed to sit & paint. COVID is no joke, folks! I was a dedicated mask-wearer before I got sick, now I am annoyingly devout. People like to declare COVID is over like Michael Scott declared bankruptcy, but it is going to take work to get out of this mess. Y'all Masking?

So, what does this mean?

Well, I haven't been able to look for a new job. I'm a preschool teacher who can't stand for more than 15 minutes at a time, which means I'm not physically able to work in a classroom. I have degrees in ECE & Early Intervention so I've started looking into other educational options.

But what does this mean for the art challenge?

It's a bit late this week. I think I'm going to finish writing this in time to post on Tuesday like normal, but it's going to be late on Tuesday instead of 1st thing in my morning. Wait, it's already noon?! Ugh, I can't focus on anything these days. OK, here goes...

The new #KWPrompts is #Ghost

Am I essentially mashing up my art challenge with AuGhost? Yes I am. You don't have to! Any & all ghosts are welcome here, except for AI ghosts. Originally I wanted to do a different theme this week while participating in AuGhost simultaneously, but I don't have the energy. Instead I will be trying to fit a full month of AuGhost into 2 weeks. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pictures randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want. Just make sure you tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Use #KWPrompts #Ghost & tag me so I can see how you think!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- beginner to expert, renaissance painting to rough sketch! No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

mid 2024 thoughts on how I can increase the benefits and reduce the harms of being online

Terms to consider: Communicate Social Media Immediate Reply guys Terminally online Algorithm AI

I am social, part of society. I cannot deny that. The food I just ate, the electricity and internet I’m using, the dwelling I’m within, the monthly $60 from patrons that was deposited today—social multipliers that expand my brief existence beyond my own capabilities.

Society depends on communication. Communicate = to share, to make common. I feel it says something about the centrality of human communications that media, a simple word meaning between, comes to be the collective noun for methods of communication between humans. Media is the force multiplier in communications. Immediate naturally means with nothing between, as in “not one moment nor thought came between something happening and being shared and being commented on.” Immediacy in media may be harmful to me, I have found: The 24/7 breaking news story with no facts. Every single human tragedy worldwide live-streamed into my psyche. Limitless distraction and entertainment. It’s easy for me to become overloaded by all these and more.

Immediacy in social media can take a form some call reply guys, quick to use up your bandwidth, attention, and time without engaging you openly. Terminally online is a related term for those whose desire for communication begins and ends online. The discourse, the memes, the one-liners are fast-paced and addictive. Who needs the real world? “Touch grass,” some say — though isn’t that a terminally-online style of response? I have great news, fortunately. There are no such people as reply guys and the terminally online. Every human being is more than what they put on the internet. Oh good, but what about the non-human forces online?

The question to ask about algorithms and AI is what is their purpose? What need or want are they fulfilling? Do the benefits justify the costs? Media is a force multiplier in human communications; algorithms and AI are force multipliers in media. Currently these powers are hoarded and they are being employed for financial gain without ethics. That sucks and I hate it. Lack of trust and sincerity in communications erodes the foundation of human society. We are seeing that clearly. In very few words here I have shown how simple and vital these connections are. We are on a fatal path.

How can I be online? I’m avoiding algorithms and AI by spending my time in the fediverse and utilizing as much free and open-source media as I can. I remove nearly all advertising from my awareness. These priorities divide me from much of society. I pay for zero streaming services, video or audio. My internet access provides me with free Max. With my public library I have access to more media than I will ever consume. This includes books, the best form of non-immediate media I know. Reading books I feel my mind strengthen. It’s a sharp contrast to the dysfunctional spiral I experience by ingesting for-profit media’s overwhelming distractions.

I like the places I hang. There’s such a trove of excellent media off the beaten path. Here are a few musical sources I enjoy (I believe all are either ad-free or the ads are not in English):

• radiofreefedi.net
• www.nts.live/infinite-mixtapes/expansions
• mkmradio.com
• player.48fm.com

All is not perfect, of course. The social and immediate aspects of being online invite imbalance. I imagine asking a helpful AI: Please construct an algorithm that enables me to interact with those open to lengthy discussion on topic {y}. When I share posts I could designate “show to everyone” or “only show to cogitators”! What a wonderful dream!

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cross-posted to: https://paper.wf/how2b/how-to-be-happy-online

This painting is gorgeous and I made it!

What does it take to make a statement like that? Confidence? Cockiness? No, just my eyes and my visual taste. My love of seeing colors blend, loving layers, appreciating vibrant colors alongside muddy ones. Acceptance of irregularity. Fantasy. Sensuality. Openness. I love orange, I love pink. I love gold, I love turquoise. I love all colors and shapes. Abstract expressionist painting... abstract because it's not a representation of any specific object or narrative, expressionist because it expresses my feelings and my values. Yes my values. I was drawn to this style of paintings in museums for years before I ever made one myself. I felt emotional therapy staring into the vague expressions another human cared to create and share with the world. The work goes on inside myself, I do not worship artists. I look at this painting that I love and do not think of it as mine. It's not about me. Well, it's about me and my feelings because I live inside me. Ugh. What I mean is that it's about the viewer. I am the viewer of my own work. But it's not about me as maker. Be the change you want to see, some say. That's what I create, in my art and my words. My previous post complained about my inability to connect with others. I intend to expand on that. Then I thought I want to include my art in my posts. And here we are.

[current soundtrack while writing: mkmradio broadcast radio from Paris, free with occasional ads and announcements in French | changed during next paragraph to Miles Davis It Never Entered My Mind followed by the John Coltrane album Giant Steps]

What does it take to make & share art like that? Maybe confidence or cockiness, I don't know. There is a boldness to pointing at something and saying: I made this great thing from nothing except my hands and imagination. Besides that I do not profess to have any skill. Others can express opinions on the quality of my work if they want. I've been complimented on my facility with color. I say all it takes is being willing to do it. I don't know why others do what they do but as long as they don't hurt anyone I'm fine with it. Art is different because I'm not producing an income. I am not supporting myself. I said above that making & sharing my art may take boldness, but that's not how I feel. I feel humility. This is all I have to offer.

I switched my music accompaniment to jazz because I have compared my style of visual art to jazz. When I put out a finished piece I want it to be a harmony of discord. Conflict and resolution within the same small space. This work is my emotional therapy. The values I wish to promote are acceptance of more than we can comprehend. More than acceptance—appreciation, maybe even love.

I love my art. That's why I make it. I do live in a world surrounded by my own art. If I could afford originals I would live among the works of JMW Turner, Miró, Helen Frankenthaler, Cy Twombly, ... What am I saying? I like mine as much. Haha. Anyway I wouldn't want to hoard expensive art as commodity. There are TONS of artists whose work I enjoy, and many more I would love that I will never know of. I do appreciate being able to go into museums and experience our shared human heritage of art. But fame distresses me. I keep coming back to my baseline belief that I want all humans to share a good minimum standard of living. After that, rich folks can do whatever they want. I'll be happy with my art. Until that day comes there are many ways to support me.

Thanks!

I never got around to saying what I started to say. There's always a future post. I want to talk about distraction; what I consider my life's work to be; why friendships frustrate me—simple, annoying stuff like that.

Every 2 weeks I post a new art challenge prompt! The new #KWPrompts is #Bookmark I am new to making bookmarks, so far I only have these 2!

Dog-earing pages is sinful. Avoid evil temptations, let's spend the next 2 weeks making bookmarks!

You can submit a new bookmark every day, work on one bookmark for 2 weeks, or post bookmarks randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want. Just make sure you tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Use #KWPrompts #Bookmark &/or tag me so I can see how you think!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- beginner to expert, renaissance painting to rough sketch! No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

Welcome to the Fediverse.

This is a work-in-progress guide for friends, acquaintances, and followers in the art & fandom spaces to populate their feeds when first arriving to the Fediverse. Enough has been stated about which platforms to use, what instances to join, and how the Fediverse works. So this blog will not seek to answer those questions. I find that, for many people, the hurdle is finding who to follow. I'd like to help with that.

There are many people on here and following more people will lead you to discovering even more people. So follow freely and unfollow freely, too. Mute and block freely. Make a space that is safe for you and healthy for you in your current moment. We're here to have fun.

Also, there are so many people on here that I am still discovering new ones every day. If you find cool people, boost them so more of us can see! Remember this doesn't work like Twitter: feeds are chronological and you only see posts from those (or that, in the case of hashtags and groups) which you are following. Having said that, here are some suggestions from me to make new beginnings easier. If you copy the link and search them through your instance's search bar (@user@TheirInstance), you can open their feed on Mastodon and easily follow them. If you can't find them by doing that, your instance might have blocked their instance.

Users

• Plumy – comics, art journaling about videogames, perfect if you love looking at sketchy work
• Cindy – plants, environments, animated illustrations, the loveliest mark-making
• Tisha Mark – small-size abstract landscapes, really cool!
• Colossal – the popular contemporary arts magazine
• Léa Muna – beautiful watercolor illustrations
• Malky – illustrator from Mexico making cool animal designs
• Maruki – lovely pixel art, especially if you love mushrooms
• Elaine Will – lovely environments with a Ghibli-Don Bluth vibe
• Ego Rodriguez – the most gorgeous illustrations of gay/queer men, by a queer person, too!
• Himbo Beefcake, PhD – 18+ art and comics of himbos, with the most crisp lineart and delectable shapes
• Ksenia Palchikova – detailed illustrations with lovely lineart and that “flat” coloring style I really like
• Victoria Maderna – gorgeous children's book like illustrations
• Averil – SFW slime girls, art & merch for you art nouveau lovers
• Kim Hu – the most fun urban environments and character designs
• Mossypine – lovely, whimsical & earthy nature merch designs
• Irene N. – if you're into horror... this one's for you
• Julia Bausenhardt – nature sketches done on-field, it's really fun to stumble upon these
• Djamila Knopft – lovely Ghibli-like nature work
• Hiko – anime-like illustrations with gorgeous, stain-glass like colors
• Hoka@名古屋クリマM-538 – really cute, vintage-y, cartoon-ish, anime-like illustrations
• Cartoonist Cooperative – just as it sounds like, it's a cooperative for people making comic-work
• Me!! – I tell stories through colorful illustrations, inspired by anime and Western cartoons
• This blog!! – you can follow this blog by searching for @fieryzard@DotArt.blog on your Mastodon search bar.
• Your Name Here – join us!!

Hashtags

You can search these from your instance's search bar and then press the Follow button to follow them. This might need to be done from the web or mobile web version of the platform. Some apps out there might not have this option available. * #MastoArt – a popular hashtag for artists * #CreativeToots – another popular hashtag for creatives * #WordWeavers – a monthly challenge where you answer one question about your characters/story each day, to help motivate you and connect you to your writing community

Groups

• @fanprompt – a group for fandom prompts
• @danmei
• @mxtx
• @mdzs
• @tgcf
• @svsss
• @wangxian -
• @hualian
• @bingqiu
• @sangcheng
• @cumplane – a group about SVSSS SQQ+SQH ship
• @moshang
• @xiyao

I shared the previous post introducing the interview podcast project, We Respectfully Disagree, just to put something on the blog after 2 months dormant. If this podcast project were a recipe it's not on the front burner or even the back burner. It's a bunch of ingredients still in the pantry for now.

Look for me:

Randomly streaming on Twitch, where I use the excuse of streaming to get my phone out of my hands, and to mumble a few ideas while getting things done. So far I don't use Twitch to interact with viewers.

My neighboring blog that is most frequently updated.

Mastodon, where I hang out every day and interact often.

Humanissome podcast series: We Respectfully Disagree

I'm currently seeking guests willing to be interviewed on video or audio-only for the program described here. I have 2 friends in mind currently & think that I would need a lot more lined up before launching. Maybe? intro Rob: Welcome. I'm your host, RMiddleton. Guest: And I'm [guest name]. Both: And we respectfully disagree.

Rob: Welcome, Guest. Before we start talking I want to welcome any listeners, and since this is a brand new podcast I will explain what I hope to offer. I like my work as an artist to meet 2 criteria, to help me and to offer something different than most other content. I think learning to love all humans is the challenge that's required to make major improvements in the world; and a personal challenge for me to feel more at peace. Before I can learn to love those I dislike I thought I would practice how to respectfully disagree with those I like. Interview styles I'm most familiar with either feature zero conflict whatsoever, 2 people discussing a mutual interest, maybe promoting a project; OR they are all-conflict, antagonists representing polar opposite positions trying to win an argument and humiliate the other side. Zero conflict content can feel like forced positivity or meaningless marketing, while verbal combat does nobody any good. I'm starting small, hoping to interview many people I know and like who are willing to tread into areas of disagreement. Guest, are you game?

Guest: [ ... ]

Rob: Ok, well, I see no reason to leap into disagreement without first establishing who we are, how we know each other, and things that we like about each other. Also I should point out that I'm a sneaky host and Guest does not know all the subjects we may get into talking about today. In fairness they also could bring up unexpected topics. It will be a free-ranging conversation. My policy with these interviews is that both parties approve the final edit before it is published. So today's Guest I know from [ ... ] and they are [ ... ].