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with a heaving sigh, the Doll rises to its feet and starts on again, this time feeling for those false mirrors with its hands. the walls are just too far apart for it to reach both at once, so it alternates every few steps. an hour or so passes, and as it shifts weight to its right foot, extends its hand... huh.

the Doll's hand swooshes through the reflection. another illusion hiding a secret path... maybe this is the way out? the Doll stops to study its reflection for the first time today. there's something... off. something about its reflection feels wrong. it shakes its head, trying to brush off the feeling at the same time as it reaches up to brush its hair out of its face.

wait.

the Doll used its right hand, but the reflection used the hand to the Doll's left. that's... not how mirrors work. the Doll tries a few more movements: a wave, a jump, a twirl... yeah, definitely a reflection, just... reversed. the Doll looks around at the other mirrors, just to check. hm, no, they're all normal reflections. nothing to do but go through, it seems, and so it does. another long mirrored corridor, with twists and turns and confusing branches.

it's only when the exhausted Doll stops to rest, as it closes its eyes, that it realises why the false reflection felt so unsettling: it was seeing itself the way others did for the first time.

bleary eyed, it stumbles around the corner to finally come face to face with... itself, again. an infinite number of porcelain faces with painted smiles staring back at it. another dead end. the Doll turns around, takes a step and stops. it has no idea how it got here. the walls of the maze may as well be invisible, because the mirrors hide corridors and make every stretch look identical.

even if it did remember the way it came from, would there even be a way out at the end? it woke up in this place, never seeing an entrance. the only sight its seen is itself, the only sounds its own footsteps and joints. all that it's known is itself, for... how long has it even been? just stuck here, staring at its own reflection. it barely recognised itself.

the Doll takes another step, stumbling as the energy required to hold itself up is finally too great... it steadies itself against the wall, for a moment, then darkness.

This year we're arting the alphabet from A-Z. Letters like æ, ñ, anything with a diacritical mark, etc., can go anywhere you like.

Congrats on making it this far into the year! We've reached the letter O Any art subject starting with that letter is fair game, no matter how abstract.

O is for Outside

Let's make terrific art!

Each challenge lasts 2 weeks from the day this post was made. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pics randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want.

Use #ArtABCs & tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

everywhere the Doll looks, it sees its reflection repeating out towards infinity. how long has it been here? it's never really had a good grasp on the passage of time, but it truly can't tell how long it's been here, and it has no way to know if it's made any progress. is there even a way out?

hidden corners, passageways obscured by yet more reflections, the confusion made even worse by the fact that not all of the mirrors even exist. the magic leaking out of the Doll's cracks fuels illusions, phantom surfaces through which one might stumble.

as much as the maze winds and twists, so too does time move in bursts. the Doll presses onward; there's no comfort to be found for it here. it must escape.

Hide your virgins I’m coming! And the air streams with the ejaculation of trees.

Hide your virgins I’m coming! There’ll be hoards of sons and daughters of god.

#poetry #lyrics #DarkAmbient

Background info

Silly little song about… allergies. And the Great God Pan.

Somebody on an IRC chat was compaining how all the tree semen was making their life miserable and I went ”hmmmm!”. The rest isn’t exactly history, but I had fun. Hopefully those exposed to General PanIck found it funny as well.

This track is related to Summoned I Summon, where some other deity is definitely… coming.

In a song format, ”Hide your virgins I’m coming” was repeated quite a few times in different tones and modes of urgensies. The other two lines were pretty much uttered just once.

I sometimes played this live and finally released on version on Ten..

Never knew it 'till I touched you Never knew it afterwards.

You keep having me I keep taking you

I'll tell you wide-eyed lies All about our love

Never trust my smiling eyes What was not can't be gone

#poetry #lyrics #DarkAmbient

Background info

Like Differentiaton Irrevocable it was written in 2003 in a bit of tumultous times for me and contains several layers of time and at least two people the ”I” talks about in just eight lines.

The wide-eyed lies mentioned are about love felt but not dared to speak about and about love spoken of, but felt so much less than before.

The idea of ” What was not can't be gone” found its way to another track of mine later on.

Lines about Wide-eyed lies and Never trusting smiling eyes got used in another piece, but I don’t think the music got ever made in the new context.

This is a piece of lyrics that have not, this far, found a track to call their own. At the time I had other, more worked on lyrics to compose music to first. Later, my life had turned for the better and this had been pretty much forgotten by then.

(clarity edit...)

the weather has turned icy, and the Doll has begun making tea again. it's far from home, far from its fancy teas and kettle, but tea-making is a skill one learns, and This One doesn't need to precisely control the temperature of the water to get good tea. lemon & ginger, peppermint & honey, a black tea blend with milk & honey... it's not the Doll's best work, but it's comforting on nights when the air bites into the flesh.

This One simply must acquire some more blossoming white teas. maybe it'll go to its favourite store next month. maybe it'll start its collection anew.

I stumbled upon a harddrive with files from 2003 to around 2008. Among these files were unused and draft versions of lyrics written for my earliest albums, up to ones written for the latests.

In addition to finding old files, I found old handwritten notes containing lyrics in very early stages of their development.

Being conveniently sofa-bound with a hefty dose of flu and a realisation I have never really documented this part of my artistic endeavours, I now took my iPad (sitting up by the computer is too upright activity right now), typed up those notes, copied texts from those files and wrote some background info for each piece I found.

Some posts will include several versions of the same work, most only one. There are pieces played live only once and then released as an edition of 16 CDr:s, or played live once and never getting released. There’s the pieces that never got made into songs, some that morphed into few different tracks, others that contained a seed idea for later works but were themself discarded. You’ll find lyrics for songs that do exist but so far only in my head and even a couple where a track exists, has been released, but only as an instrumental.

I will include links to bandcamp where relevant so you can go and have a listen, if you are so inclined. Links to videos may also be found on a post or two. Just a fair warning: I’m not a pop artist, nor do I make rock. More fitting descriptions include dark ambient, uneasy listening and weird sounds. Some of my works have been compared to Coil and TG.

Now, let’s go down the memory lane with me!

I am my own deamon

Your peril Your breath

Their heaven Their death

Your peril Their death

Your heaven Their breath

Their peril Your breath

Your heaven Their depth

Conquered & crowned Poisoned & proud Dawning & drowned Fawning & found Blinded & bound Sightless & sound

EP Liner notes

Exercising the inner demons may be better than exorcising them. I’m freely admitting not being the originator of that thought, but would add a reminder on the importance of exercising the inner daemon as well.

“I am my own daemon, I am my own demon.”

Such self-sufficient words! One’d think she’d sound more self-assured, though… The own daemon/demon speaks back.

“Your peril, your breath, Their heaven, their death, Your heaven, their breath…

Conquered & crowned, Poisoned & proud, Dawning & drowned, Fawning & found, Beaten & bound, Sightless & sound…”

Text and core of the sound were born in late autumn 2003.

#poetry #lyrics #DarkAmbient

Background info

Unlike many pieces I wrote in autumn of 2003, this is about working magick.

“see, there's one Angel to a few thousand Humans. there used to be enough to have one-on-one protection and guidance, but the Human population just kept growing and ... well they don't make new Angels.

“that's when the 'no intervention' rule came in. every so often they get orders from above to step in, but that's the exception and not the rule. there used to be a whole class of Angels just for surveillance like this, the Watchers, the Grigori.

“now they're all like that. we don't have that limitation, of course. we are many, we are legion. hell, we outnumber you Humans. you'll always have my undivided attention, Doll. you're not alone anymore.”

the Doll smiles, honestly just pleased to have someone to talk to.

“I am the fucked-up breath of anti-life, The bastard child of Nix & Nada, The killing tide of myths undone, One with Nothing Nothing in One. I am the speed of Dark.

(– Where do you go little girl? What’s the sound of Abyss entering Void?)”

#lyrics #poetry #DarkAmbient

Background Info

Not a draft or unused piece, but definitely an old one. If I recall correctly, this dates back to before I dove head first into making sounds and was first posted on a Pagan IRC channel. Somebody floated a question about speed of dark, I got thinking about the consept and this was the result.

I don’t recall what the original title was, Statement of Inexistance was picked while I was fine-tuning track titles for Mosaick the Serpent EP.

Mosaick the Serpent can be found in Bandcamp to listen and to get your own.

I I can't I can't do I can't do anything

Maybe tomorrow

We Made It!

It's (mostly) over! We're (sort of) here! We're going to be living out of our suitcases for a few weeks until the rest of our stuff catches up, but I get to stay in one place for a while & build up my spoon supply again. Then our stuff gets here & I get to exhaust myself again moving into a new place... It's a never ending cycle. For now, though, we have a chance to breathe.

Bonus: I get to dogsit this lovely lady!

Thank you to everyone who has sent kind wishes & pet photos!

You are all fantastic beings made of light!

Thank you to everyone who has been doing the the #ArtABCs challenge with us!

You are all fantastic beings made of light and music!

I Want to See Your Art!

The #ArtABCs challenge is still going! the week this goes up, we are on letter N. I love it so much when you share your art with me. Please, everyone, draw something for my art challenge – it will make me so happy (& hopefully it will make you happy, too)!

OK, 1 picture from New England. You earned it!

Now the challenge I am facing is trying to find apps that will help me ID plants, animals, & fungi WITHOUT using AI. Do you have a favorite? Let me know on Mastodon or Ko-Fi! Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

This year we're arting the alphabet from A-Z. Letters like æ, ñ, anything with a diacritical mark, etc., can go anywhere you like.

Congrats on making it this far into the year! We've reached the letter N Any art subject starting with that letter is fair game, no matter how abstract.

N is for Nighttime

Let's make terrific art!

Each challenge lasts 2 weeks from the day this post was made. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pics randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want.

Use #ArtABCs & tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

The left is actually doing pretty well, considering.

96% of this post was written February 27, 2025, and left incomplete. “Under pressure” of my made-up weekly blog deadline, I decided to add a few finishing touches. I choose to blog about politics this week because it's a bleak time. It's depressing, yet somehow a pep talk to realize that embracing humanity is an uphill battle & always has been.

It's easy to get mad at the people who vote for evil. I'm mad. I hate my fellow white people including former friends and my mom. Think about that. I hate my mom. [1]

But do we get mad at people who eat at McDonald's or only buy Crest or Colgate or shop at Home Depot or who own iPhones? Advertising works. The effects of advertising are well known or else they wouldn't exist. And Democrats raise gobs of money and put on advertisements before elections. But if a better-for-you cola runs 6 weeks of ads I don't think it's going to outsell Coke. The Democrats can't compete against a lifetime of brainwashing. All through the 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s, and today, the Democratic Party has been dehumanized by a nonstop media onslaught from the right. Lefties like me laugh because the attacks are juvenile. And so are most commercials.

Ok but Black Americans exist in the same media landscape & they might buy Colgate but they're not voting for Republicans! They are reliable Democratic voters. Ok. I'm just an artist, a white man; I'm not able to speak for Black Americans. But I know this: Black people know their existence is under threat & it's never stopped being under threat. I also believe that Black Americans have a stronger network of community & family. (Above I talked about my division with my own mother. More below [2].) I doubt Black Americans vote for Democrats because of advertisements or even for specific policies. It's existential, a feeling, reinforcement of identity and community.

Remember, I'm just talking. All this is uneducated speculation. I'm an artist, not a college graduate!

Moving Day is at hand. Prepare to move your very very odd family. ~Aunty Shrew, The Secret of NIMH

The date looms. So do the stacks of boxes. I don't want to go. I've lived here for nearly half my life; Los Angeles feels more like home to me than any other place ever has. Leaving at all is heart breaking. Leaving while the fascists running this country are sending the Marines & National Guard in to help ICE & the LAPD/LASD violate our civil rights feels like I'm running away & abandoning everyone, even though we were planning to move before this all started. I hate that greedy billionaires decided they still didn't have enough, so they decided to drain Hollywood dry. I hate that we got about 15 minutes of Pride & have had to spend the rest of June in Rage. I hate that people are claiming that Angelenos are burning LA to the ground, & I hate that other people are just blindly trusting that even though it's an obvious lie. I hate that the fascists announced they're going to “liberate” us from California's democratically elected leadership, & people still hesitate to call them fascists. I hate that Democratic representatives have been wrongfully arrested- and that it's happened repeatedly, so you don't even know which arrest prompted me to write this sentence! I hate that Trump lies and lies and lies and lies and no one in power stops him as the war crimes pile up. I'm supposed to be moving thousands of miles very soon, & I just keep dissociating instead of getting things done. Sorry folks, I try to keep things upbeat, but my world is falling apart & I just can't right now.

I Want to See Your Art!

The #ArtABCs challenge is still going! The week this goes up, we are on letter M. I love it so much when you share your art with me. Please, everyone, draw something for my art challenge – it will make me so happy (& hopefully it will make you happy, too).

If you want to help me, follow me on Ko-Fi.

It's like Patreon, but better. You can follow me for free or, if my art has made you happy or you empathize with how stressful moving thousands of miles is, you can make a donation to help me. (Ko-Fi doesn't even make you make an account to donate.) Also...

Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

Is this too depressing? Here, have a fire flower.