Reader

“the noose is waiting it is your friend your one, last, only

let it all hang end the game, the shame, the blame

let it all hang

come, meet the noose you should, you know, you should end it the noose is the end you want it, you should

look at yourself you fool! unloved, unwanted, shamed

solution – the noose

let it all hang! you should!

end it you want it you should

who would care?

all forget you as they should you are forgotten before you even end it

let it all hang come, come to noose it is your friend”

Background Info

These lyrics were written in 2003 while I was really not feeling well. My then FWB had unilaterally decided to switch to ditching the ”WB” after meeting somebody new, but did not tell me about it until they got suffiently drunk and I asked why the sudden cold shoulder in the tenderness department. Until that revelation I was left feeling I must be utterly revolting. With the body issues and resulting insecurities that have been my life long companion things were bad. After? Not that much better. While I learned it wasn't that I had suddenly become undesirable, to my mind I was simply so much less desirable than somebody else – perhaps even anybody else.

To make things worse, my long time SO had started to drift away to the world and values of their father-figure-like boss and that relationship was heading downhill.

In my 2006 released double EP Mosaick the Serpent / Vipera Aurea this track’s liner notes said:

”You know how some people say they hear voices in their head, coaxing, advising, ordering them to end their lives? Have you ever wondered, whether these voices are “merely” the result of mental instability of the person in question, or whether there is somebody else there stuck in the same body (and partly mind?), wanting to be let out? Interpretation of such coaxing voices, written by putting meselves through practice of thinking in different states of mind.”

In reality, this is what was going trough my head at the time. Writing these thoughts down and naming the voice as another was a way of banishing those them.

On the album, the track ends with whispered words: ”Be banished!” Better stay banished.

MtS/VA is available at https://someplaceelse.bandcamp.com/album/mosaick-the-serpent-vipera-aurea

a song without beginning, a song without end. the Dolls sits at a piano, its foot holding the pedal down. a wash of sound swirls around it, dying on the soundproofed walls. the Doll's been playing this song for an hour so far, this time, and will play for another hour or more.

it's an old song, one the Doll has been playing for many years. the Doll doesn't know which notes come next, it just plays and the notes find their way into a position under its fingers.

someday the Doll might find other ways to explore this song, with spirals and dice and random chance, but for now it simply plays as the notes command it to. a song without beginning, a song without end.

a little Doll at the museum! the museum has animatronic dinosaurs, and the Doll loves dinosaurs! they've got a T. rex, and a Brontosaurus, and a Triceratops, and a Stegosaurus! the Doll loves all of those dinosaurs!

oh... oh no... they're so big, and so loud! the Doll is terrified. it cries and it shakes. even the Stegosaurus is too scary for the Doll... so the Doll's adult takes it and hides with it in a time machine ride. the Doll learns all kinds of things about all of the dinosaurs.

together, they sneak out the other side and make their way up the spiral ramp of the museum. the Doll looks down on the dinosaurs from way up high. they're kinda cute from up here, far from the noise.

He's coming He's coming

the father of your father's your father's father's son

He's coming Like you my young one

the father of your father's your father's father's son

He's coming He's coming

The lust of your mother's what are you my young one?

#poetry #lyrics

• I stumbled upon a harddrive with files from 2003 to around 2008. Among these files were unused and draft versions of lyrics written for my earliest albums. I will be posting some of these in the future.

• “Summoned I Summon” was a track I played live in the early 2000s and finally released on “Ten”, which consisted of odd versions and live only tracks from the first ten years of me making music.

Ten is still available at: https://someplaceelse.bandcamp.com/album/ten

the Angel watches the Doll as it shuffles its cards. he shakes his head. “how did we get here? he had such a promising future...”

“she.“ “hu- oh. you.” “she.” the Demon shoots the Angel a look that would slay a mortal. the Angel merely rolls his eyes. “sure, fine, 'she' would never have dreamt of engaging in witchcraft before you came along.” “yes, well...” the Demon flexes her hand, admiring her talons. “you didn't protect her from the world. you, and the others, she trusted you, but you weren't there when she shattered.”

the Angel scoffs “that's not our role.”

“uh huh. and now she's mine.”

I I can't I can't do I can't do anything

Maybe tomorrow

the Doll shuts down its computer and heads to bed... but something catches its eye on the way. it's already past midnight, the date has ticked over, and a calendar notification has popped up.

a birthday, an old friend's birthday. it's always bittersweet for the Doll, remembering the People and the Witches that once filled its life. this one... this one was special, one of the greatest single impactors on the Doll's life.

and today marked the twelfth anniversary of one such impact: twelve years ago, the Doll threw out all of its razors. it wasn't the last time, but it was the first. it wanted to heal, and heal permanently. no more gold needed to set the pieces back together, no more scars... one of the most hopeful moments in the Doll's life.

the Doll says the silent prayer it often finds itself saying, begging any entity that might be listening to watch over that person. the Doll asks this for many people, but this specific person the most.

with a sigh, the Doll lets the prayer go. no one listened before, why would they listen now? oh well. good luck, old friend.

We Made It!

It's (mostly) over! We're (sort of) here! We're going to be living out of our suitcases for a few weeks until the rest of our stuff catches up, but I get to stay in one place for a while & build up my spoon supply again. Then our stuff gets here & I get to exhaust myself again moving into a new place... It's a never ending cycle. For now, though, we have a chance to breathe.

Bonus: I get to dogsit this lovely lady!

Thank you to everyone who has sent kind wishes & pet photos!

You are all fantastic beings made of light!

Thank you to everyone who has been doing the the #ArtABCs challenge with us!

You are all fantastic beings made of light and music!

I Want to See Your Art!

The #ArtABCs challenge is still going! the week this goes up, we are on letter N. I love it so much when you share your art with me. Please, everyone, draw something for my art challenge – it will make me so happy (& hopefully it will make you happy, too)!

OK, 1 picture from New England. You earned it!

Now the challenge I am facing is trying to find apps that will help me ID plants, animals, & fungi WITHOUT using AI. Do you have a favorite? Let me know on Mastodon or Ko-Fi! Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

a Doll playing games! this one is about a tiny creature on a big journey. a lot of stories are like that: a small being on a grand adventure, overcoming treacherous terrain, crafty critters, and fearsome foes. they'll have some lofty goal, a quest to complete, and a place to reach.

this time, the story is of tiny creature on a big journey, but the journey really is just... life. its goals are to find a place to sit and admire the scenery, to make some friends, and to protect itself from the local wildlife. the biggest part of the journey was convincing some deer to let it pass. a simple set of goals.

why then is the Doll so frustrated by this game? why is the tiny creature so frail? so small and defenceless? why are all the things that are chasing it so big and relentless? and why does the creature only die when its careless or overconfident? ... but then it comes back and tries again and again and again... and it overcomes obstacles and goes further than it did last time and

wait a minute, is this a metaphor?

no, it's simply a little world with a little creature who is trying its best.

This year we're arting the alphabet from A-Z. Letters like æ, ñ, anything with a diacritical mark, etc., can go anywhere you like.

Congrats on making it this far into the year! We've reached the letter N Any art subject starting with that letter is fair game, no matter how abstract.

N is for Nighttime

Let's make terrific art!

Each challenge lasts 2 weeks from the day this post was made. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pics randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want.

Use #ArtABCs & tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

The left is actually doing pretty well, considering.

96% of this post was written February 27, 2025, and left incomplete. “Under pressure” of my made-up weekly blog deadline, I decided to add a few finishing touches. I choose to blog about politics this week because it's a bleak time. It's depressing, yet somehow a pep talk to realize that embracing humanity is an uphill battle & always has been.

It's easy to get mad at the people who vote for evil. I'm mad. I hate my fellow white people including former friends and my mom. Think about that. I hate my mom. [1]

But do we get mad at people who eat at McDonald's or only buy Crest or Colgate or shop at Home Depot or who own iPhones? Advertising works. The effects of advertising are well known or else they wouldn't exist. And Democrats raise gobs of money and put on advertisements before elections. But if a better-for-you cola runs 6 weeks of ads I don't think it's going to outsell Coke. The Democrats can't compete against a lifetime of brainwashing. All through the 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s, and today, the Democratic Party has been dehumanized by a nonstop media onslaught from the right. Lefties like me laugh because the attacks are juvenile. And so are most commercials.

Ok but Black Americans exist in the same media landscape & they might buy Colgate but they're not voting for Republicans! They are reliable Democratic voters. Ok. I'm just an artist, a white man; I'm not able to speak for Black Americans. But I know this: Black people know their existence is under threat & it's never stopped being under threat. I also believe that Black Americans have a stronger network of community & family. (Above I talked about my division with my own mother. More below [2].) I doubt Black Americans vote for Democrats because of advertisements or even for specific policies. It's existential, a feeling, reinforcement of identity and community.

Remember, I'm just talking. All this is uneducated speculation. I'm an artist, not a college graduate!

Moving Day is at hand. Prepare to move your very very odd family. ~Aunty Shrew, The Secret of NIMH

The date looms. So do the stacks of boxes. I don't want to go. I've lived here for nearly half my life; Los Angeles feels more like home to me than any other place ever has. Leaving at all is heart breaking. Leaving while the fascists running this country are sending the Marines & National Guard in to help ICE & the LAPD/LASD violate our civil rights feels like I'm running away & abandoning everyone, even though we were planning to move before this all started. I hate that greedy billionaires decided they still didn't have enough, so they decided to drain Hollywood dry. I hate that we got about 15 minutes of Pride & have had to spend the rest of June in Rage. I hate that people are claiming that Angelenos are burning LA to the ground, & I hate that other people are just blindly trusting that even though it's an obvious lie. I hate that the fascists announced they're going to “liberate” us from California's democratically elected leadership, & people still hesitate to call them fascists. I hate that Democratic representatives have been wrongfully arrested- and that it's happened repeatedly, so you don't even know which arrest prompted me to write this sentence! I hate that Trump lies and lies and lies and lies and no one in power stops him as the war crimes pile up. I'm supposed to be moving thousands of miles very soon, & I just keep dissociating instead of getting things done. Sorry folks, I try to keep things upbeat, but my world is falling apart & I just can't right now.

I Want to See Your Art!

The #ArtABCs challenge is still going! The week this goes up, we are on letter M. I love it so much when you share your art with me. Please, everyone, draw something for my art challenge – it will make me so happy (& hopefully it will make you happy, too).

If you want to help me, follow me on Ko-Fi.

It's like Patreon, but better. You can follow me for free or, if my art has made you happy or you empathize with how stressful moving thousands of miles is, you can make a donation to help me. (Ko-Fi doesn't even make you make an account to donate.) Also...

Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

Is this too depressing? Here, have a fire flower.

Fighting anti-humanism is my life's work. I talk about humanism a lot, an annoying amount, and I name half my internet entities humanissome. I do this because I believe that the problems in our world reflect a pervasive anti-humanism. Standing up for humanism is the ultimate fight, the effort to rescue each individual and simultaneously all humanity.

Examples of pervasive anti-humanism and humanistic attitudes to combat them:

Capitalism. Money-centered existence diminishes individuals & humanity. Center what's natural: the body (including emotions), all humans, animals, plants, the planet. Use labor and capital for the benefit of those.

open for longer discussion

Yes of course this frequent villain tops the list! To the extent that capitalism is a tool in service of humanity it can be neutral. The problem is that it's an ism and isms are systems. Capitalism has proven to be a more robust system than humanism (or communism) for 2 reasons that I can think of. It appears neutral. “Let the market decide,” we frequently hear. There's no central committee determining priorities in who gets what resources; it comes down to having money. If you have it you get things; if you have no money you can rot and die. Objectivity! Of course there is no objectivity when it comes to laws passed, military strikes, humans incarcerated and killed. The appearance of objectivity is that those who have the money (objective!) get to make all the subjective decisions. (“I'm the decider!” in the words of a former particularly powerful, undeserving leader.) The second reason that capitalism prevails is that it depends on greed, a very real, prevalent human vice. (“Greed is good!” said an 80s movie caricature who became a role model for many.) Capitalists might argue that it's a system like democracy, the worst form of Government except all those other forms that have been tried, that has produced humankind's greatest chance of peaceful prosperity. My shortest rebuttal is to ask: Do we want to defend what has gotten us to the way things are or to consider the possibility that we can do better? Incidentally genuine free and fair democracy is the best hope for humanist improvement. The US has never been close to that. This section could expand to its own essay, a book, a lifelong debate. To simplify for this discussion, capitalism is not compatible with humanism because of its numerous anti-humanist outcomes. Considering profits for the wealthy over general wellbeing is dooming humanity. This debate is the existential challenge confronting humanity. How does an individual participate in abandoning capitalism? (Or if you prefer a softer version: How does an individual help improve capitalism to achieve humanist results?) Living is Humanist Job 1. In the current world many are consumed by the struggle to stay alive. Unfortunately existence is a privilege today. I believe the requirements for satisfaction in living (meaningfulness) is proportional to privilege. Life intrinsically has meaning. For many staying alive is all that is possible, and their lives are meaningful. As one's privilege increases expectation grows. “With great power comes great responsibility.” World horrors result from the dysfunction of inordinate privilege not harnessed to commensurate service. The imbalanced selfishness erodes character and satisfaction. I believe that “the modern condition” of ennui is a reflection of unused privilege. It's important to emphasize that this evaluation of sufficient meaning is internal. It's not possible to judge from outside. There is no karmic system in humanissome. It is also impossible to know the life satisfaction felt by another unless they reveal it. We only have results to go on. It appears that those who lead lives spreading vitriol and cruelty are unhappy. In world affairs we cannot know; in personal interactions we may ask others to confide in us their self reported life satisfaction. I have received a great deal of unsolicited life advice from others who admit they are unhappy. Nobody's perfect of course. This paragraph is another that could be a book.

I leverage my privilege to extract as much progress as possible toward humanist goals. I do not commit labor to society-harming entities. I minimize consumption. I have managed to stay alive 6 years this way. My next step is to liquidate possessions as I seek greater life satisfaction, reduction in harm, and increased devotion to long-term writing goals. I offer my own work freely, requesting donations in exchange. (If I produce a book I may sell it conventionally but I would still make copies available on sliding scale.)

Perfectionism. “I'm right, they're wrong. They're idiots. What's wrong with those people? They're not like me, they're animals.” · “My mind is terrible, I can't remember anything. I'm so fat now. I was better fifteen years ago.” Ranking and judging damages self worth, deteriorates human community. Settle for less. What is is. What is is good. Diversity is good. Perfection is a delusion. Love all. Ok, now, ya hippie, how can you love all?! Equally?! I'm not concerned about equally, that's a ranking urge. I strive to live centered in love. It's not easy. It's work. I love myself and others in our imperfections. I aspire to love all unconditionally.

Minimizing Feelings. “I'm afraid of looking at certain texts, talking to certain people. I'm pathetic. Worrying makes it worse, I should just...” Hating feelings is hating oneself. Feelings are natural, beautiful, human. Instead of seeing a conflict between feelings and reason I seek peaceful coexistence. (Compossibility is an important word in my philosophy for another time.) Feelings are valid. Feelings are who I am. Reason is too. These provide data for me to consider. I can change any time. I make decisions based on feelings and reason.

There's so much more. I started a weekly blog a couple months ago to force me to write and publish constantly. The work builds. There is no perfect. I'm grateful to be working in a space that collects my efforts (corporate spaces usually throw yesterday's unpopular work away). I hope to keep going.

It's hard for me to adhere to a weekly schedule (or any schedule). When I wrote my most recent blog post at https://dotart.blog/rmiddleton I said, “Rob, maybe you should make this your weekly Rworld news post,” and replied, “but it's only been half a week! What if I ever did have subscribers who wanted to hear from me no more than once a week?” Now the weekly post is several days late and though I have ideas — I always have ideas — I do not have the energy to write those. What I am going to do is paste over a series of Mastodon toots I just wrote that I have mixed feelings about (you'll see why). That way I get to let some feelings out somewhere more under the radar than my main social media. So, just to reiterate, when I post more often than weekly it either goes on Mastodon if short @rmiddleton@mastodon.art or it goes on my unscheduled blog @rmiddleton@dotart.blog.

Earlier today someone labeled my views as weird and I said that I agree. There's more to it than that but it's been gnawing at me. I agree that my views are unusual and I have often labeled myself weird, sometimes claiming it's my middle name. That's defensive, similar to queer. I try to take great care with my words and would love to live among others who do also. Carelessness (as I perceive it) is why I do not socialize more. Alternatives to calling what I said weird include: surprising, ahistorical, unsupported, and unusual. The guy did say “weird IMO” so he's simply saying that he disagrees. I have mixed feelings about this post because I'm not trying to start anything; I'm trying to settle my stomach. There are many times when my first reaction to a comment is antagonism. That's wired in me, a white 52 y.o. Gay American rejected at home. I'm happier when I don't accelerate into conflict on social media. I try to “take it.” I could have defended my views more but I do understand the point about art history. I would bet that artists whose work fulfilled a role within a system also made work that was just for them, or they may have felt a conflict between the work that they were permitted to do & work they wanted to do by their own motivation. I'd also make the point that visual art evolving into abstract forms is some proof that as artists became more free their work became more playful. Finally, for my views to evolve beyond prior conventions is nothing new. I feel the same about spirituality and politics. The idea that my understanding of art is out of line with history is unsurprising to me. I believe that I am progressing as much as I am able to within my life. Whether this makes me naive, or delusional, or arrogant, or deranged in the eyes of others is their business — but I would prefer to be spoken to with respect as a lifelong artist who reached my beliefs about art with much time, thought, and care.

This year we're arting the alphabet from A-Z. Letters like æ, ñ, anything with a diacritical mark, etc., can go anywhere you like.

Congrats on making it this far into the year! We've reached the letter M Any art subject starting with that letter is fair game, no matter how abstract.

M is for Mountains

Let's make terrific art!

Each challenge lasts 2 weeks from the day this post was made. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pics randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want.

Use #ArtABCs & tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

My boyfriend asked:

Tough question. When does life and experiences become a higher priority than art creation, and when does art creation become a higher priority than life and experiences?

He keeps a journal when we are apart. We have a long distance relationship that's getting longer. I'm not sure when we next see each other. He journals amazingly, recapping his experiences and feelings about them; sharing his creations; and posing meaningful questions to himself, to me, to all of us. And I am in pain. I feel moved by what he says and unable to reply meaningfully:

my answer to this could be long. I will try to write it soon, maybe as a blog.

And here I am, trying.

Binary thinking is seductive, easy to fall into. It's a trap. The answer cannot be that either art or living is the top priority. Right? But those are words. Talking and making it so are vastly different.

Aside: I'm sad about the word performative because I've learned that until it's recent popularity it meant something else. A rare usage, performative meant making it so — as in, “I now pronounce you wife & wife.” The words are performative. They exist and they perform a function. Now performative means the opposite, devoid of meaning, for performance. With the loss of this word I feel I have one less tool to make words into reality. I realize that can't make sense; it's just vocabulary. Then again that's what I'm talking about, the relationship of words to reality.

Sigh. Why can't I be brief? Let me go back:

When does one become the priority: living or creating art?

I don't enjoy living without creating. And obviously I cannot create if I am not alive. The two are hand in hand. The two may be the same to me. I'm a “bad choice” of person to answer this question because compared to many I am not living. I do very little every day. I do not earn a living. I'm isolated from most people I've ever known. Sigh. I type sigh now. And mean it. That's now a thing I do.

Let me try to simplify: At times I can take photos of anything and it feels like art. I could capture every moment — and not just photographically but why not the audio too? I could write the scenes and paint them! Every moment can be recorded. Think about all the shared photos of meals. My most recent text to my boyfriend is:

I made a beefy cheesy stir fry. No pic.

It almost feels like a big missed opportunity not to take a photo of a good meal, because the phones make it so easy. The implication may be there's no record of the event because I was busy living. That may be a point of conflict between living and art, taking the time to memorialize. Stories have long bothered me because they are all lies. In some sense a story must be incomplete. It is edited for time. It cannot take place from every point of view. It could take a lifetime to accurately understand one moment.

Here is where interaction is key, and the limitations of living as a solitary artist. Other people provide a form of constraint or direction. For example, I'm not happy with this answer and think it would be better as a conversation.

Still I have learned something important by writing this attempted answer: I don't have to answer any questions! Schooling, or wanting to appear smart, or just being a thinking being inspires me to attempt to answer every question that's posed to me. And if I'm going to produce an answer I want it to sound correct! In doing so I'm deviating from a core belief that there are no right answers. Since my words aren't performative (old sense) I find that I must restate that core belief over and over as I try to absorb it. My words — these words — pile up and get in the way as I continue to not answer! All I have any right to say is:

I don't know.

Discussing it is what makes it interesting to me. I don't think I'll ever know.