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from RMiddleton

10 steps forward, 11 steps back on a societal scale

It's a recurring thing for me that I do not understand other people's energy. My mother always had unlimited energy that she directed (and directed me) to trivial projects. That's how I feel about most people.

Like, I think if people aren't devoting energy to improvement of self and all humans then that's wasted energy.

I want only to improve myself and with it to improve all humanity... and I have no energy.


I have a theory that we who are not welcome are more concerned about benefits for all.

My string of thoughts goes: If I allow myself to selfishly only look out for myself then in fairness, transitively, I allow selfishness. I know that I am condemned by others, my well-being is opposed by some. So I feel that my survival is tied to the betterment of all.


the airplane mask example You do need to be selfish to survive I think this is more towards prioritization than selfishness. Because if you function good, you can assist others. But if you can’t function, you won’t be able to assist others.
Yes I think that's part of my hope in moving. I don't think it's possible to function in the US without harming others

I'm not saying I'm right. I know I'm not surviving & I'm not functioning. But what I'm saying is that I believe that structurally the US is built on oppression & I do not believe any improvement is possible without facing that & rejecting it.

I believe strength is in numbers. If enough people would stop working for the harmful system & work to help each other then positive change is possible. I think just looking out for oneself prevents positive change.


The above is excerpted from a conversation. My current state of despair is global & based on decades. I don't present my thoughts as an argument. I specifically think that the way I am is faulty & incapable of survival. Hiwever I also believe there to be insight in what I say. I do not believe that progress will occur without disruption. It will not flower from current systems. If more people were like me, willing to fully reject the current ways, then improvement might be possible. I arrived at my way of being because I do not believe that “success” in a corrupt system correlates to happiness or satisfaction or peace of mind. My observation is widespread unhappiness under capitalism among all strata. The wealthy busy themselves to flee all thought. I made choices based on that belief. It's not worth the effort to survive & thrive in a system that produces misery for all within it. I'm a conscientious objector.

abstract painting

 
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from Karin Wanderer Learns

This year we're arting the alphabet from A-Z. Letters like æ, ñ, anything with a diacritical mark, etc., can go anywhere you like.

Watercolor of upper case letter L in a lovely shade of green with gold swirls.

Congrats on making it this far into the year! We've reached the letter L Any art subject starting with that letter is fair game, no matter how abstract.

Ink doodle of a happy capybara holding a blue mug of hot tea & having a quiet moment. Next to her is a blue pot of tea staying warm over a candle. L is for Look At This Laid-Back Lil Friend!

Let's make terrific art!

Each challenge lasts 2 weeks from the day this post was made. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pics randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want.

Use #ArtABCs & tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

 
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from weekly Rworld news

to read with a soundtrack play embedded video at bottom of this post

Weekly Rworld News

Remember when we made lists in shared notes of things to do, movies to stream, restaurants to go to — and then when we were together we never consulted the lists?!

I can be a broken record. [What a funny metaphor today!] I have discussed before in a blog that I struggle with lists. What does it mean to make a plan & not follow it? That's a big question for my life.

I went to college, didn't finish. What was my plan? My only plan was to get out of my home & my hometown. So once I did that much I ran out of momentum. That's incomplete. It could be expanded with a giant blank:

Once I did that much and {____________________} failed to materialize I ran out of momentum.

I thought that great things would carry me along, once I plunked myself into one of America's greatest universities. [1] At the very least I expected what was in the brochures: mentoring relationships with professors, thoughtful conversations on meaningful topics, energetic focus on how to improve ourselves and our world. I almost got pulled into a thing or two — things that weren't that great, in one case because of a strange, abusive man, and in the other case because the opportunity was mundane. And as far as I remember those were the only opportunities that crossed my path in my years at Princeton. I think most graduates go to New York for finance or consulting. I do not feel I missed anything by missing that. I had difficulties. I left in my senior year and didn't graduate. But if I had managed to finish I was not on track to emerge in bloom. I got the most out of my first year — just getting there, full of enthusiasm — and less the longer I was there. I was detached even while I was still in place.

I enjoyed painting in my last 2 years, but that was entirely from me. The space & materials that Princeton provided were good. The instructor was unobtrusive. My phenomenal experience of painting was all me. It has been ever since. I'm stubborn. I am a painter. I am a professional artist. I have a 30-year career of which I am proud. I have no income & I guess I'm mad about it. I don't want to do more than all that I've already done. If I have to do more than that to earn a right to exist, then what that means is that art is disrespected by my society. I'm at the point where I do not even want to complete forms to apply for things. I want to send images and only write: The work speaks for itself. Can you imagine? Every committee would think I was the most arrogant artist alive! Those words don't even mean that I think my art is “so great.” What I'm saying is that I'm a visual artist. Promote my work or don't. Artists having to fight over scraps disgusts me.

Vibrant multicolor abstract expressionist painting with my handprint on it Rartsy.com

There's a whole galaxy out there waiting to disgust me. (Andor reference.) Andor ended its 2nd season. I loved the show in its entirety without having to love every story line or episode. I've learned more of just how different all we humans are, even among the similar. When I'm laid up with pain, as I've been, I often watch YouTube reactions to programs I like. Many of my fellow Andor lovers go gaga over moments that underwhelm me. I love the entity of Andor. I love specific specifics. I do not seem to love the same big moments that many others do. I love Andor for its small moments. I love its slowness. Now that it is over I am happy that it was 2 well-planned seasons & no more. I've seen fans complain that it's over. I like that it's over. I wish more shows would end (looking at you, Severance). But since I'm often a convalescent, there is a gaping hole now that it has ended. While house sitting I got to see Murderbot on Apple TV. I really like it but they're not making it fast enough. Now, since this is produced from a book series as source material, and it is much lighter in tone than Andor, I would be happy for Murderbot to continue for as long as possible. Murderbot is like Hacks. (It is nothing like Hacks.) These shows are mostly light, with depth that's there if you're into it. Better than typical sitcoms and other TV nothingness, but not so demanding as “prestige TV.” My favorites like Andor & Better Call Saul are demanding. Lighter is nice. Murderbot is not as junk food as Doctor Who and not as heavy as Andor. (By watching reviews I've also learned that there are those who do not see Doctor Who as junk food. I like the show. I like the lore, I like the progressivism. It still feels unimportant to me.) The experience of watching Murderbot is somewhat like good Star Trek that's genuinely funny and progressive. I hope the series garners enough audience to continue.

I was going to embed the trailer for Murderbot but it contains too many spoilers imo. I'll just include a new-to-me song I'm liking:

Return to top of page

[1] The word great is sarcastic.

 
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from Karin Wanderer Learns

I like to have a giant drink on hand when I'm working, as the many rings on my kitchen art table can attest. It's high time I made a coaster to protect the poor table. Happily, I just learned about kantha stitching! Kantha stitching is a method for easily making new things from upcycled & scrap fabric. Last time we talked about sewing I taught you to make a zokin– it's the easiest thing in the world. This sewing project is almost as easy. You don't need fancy fabrics. You don't need skill. Give it a try!

2 photos side by side. 1 of 2: A very big ring has been worn into a wooden table. 2 of 2: A very big mug shaped like the smiling face of the Mayor from Halloween Town sitting on a brightly colored coaster made of purple & blue fabric with purple embroidery. Text reads "Kantha Coaster to the Rescue, Karin Wanderer". How It Started vs. How It's Going

... Kantha?

'Kantha' is a sewing method from Bangladesh & parts of India. It combines layers of weak, worn cloth to make quilts, coats, rugs, shawls... the list goes on & on. If you tried making a zokin or heard about sashiko, this is a similar concept. The type I am using for the coaster is the simplest version. It is commonly called 'running kantha' because it only uses a loose running stitch. There are many other types, such as nakshi kantha that get very complicated & are very beautiful. I look forward to learning more about them all! Today I am keeping things simple, with a running kantha stitch. Feel free to make yours as complicated as you wish!

Supplies

  • Needles & Pins
  • Scissors
  • Something to mark the fabric, if you want things to be nice & neat.
  • Thread: I use both regular thread & embroidery thread in the example pictures, but I have seen lots of other kantha pieces using entirely one type of thread. Use whatever you have, it'll probably work. Things I hand-stitched with dental floss in high school haven't fallen apart yet!
  • Fabric: any woven fabric– which is non-stretchy materials like sheets & pillowcases (which is what I used). Since the fabric will be layered and reinforced, it is OK to use cloth that is worn thin- but avoid cloth with holes in it. You can make this by hand or using a sewing machine. If you use a machine or know how to hand sew, you can skip the next sections & go right to “Instructions'

If You Have Never Sewn Before, Read This Section!

To Knot Or Not To Knot

How do you start & end each thread? You can't just leave the ends free & hope for the best. Sometimes you can just anchor the ends with knots, for that it is fastest to tie a quilting knot at the beginning & a finishing knot at the end. Sometimes you don't want a big ugly knot stuck in the middle of your sewing & that is when you use a backstitch.

Running With Stitches

The Running Stitich is the only one you need to know for this project. The Basting Stitch might come in handy, but is not required.

Instructions: It's Just Like Making A Sandwich

1) Assemble Your Ingredients

  • Figure out how big your coaster is going to be. I want a 5-ish inch coaster to fit even the most gigantic of my mugs. This means I am starting with a 6 inch square.
  • Figure out how many layers you need. My fabric for this project is worn out scraps of lightweight fabrics, so 3 layers make a coaster that will absorb light spills/condensation without being bulky. (3 layers means a top, a bottom, & a lining.)
  • You won't really see the lining, so don't waste your best-looking fabric here. I used a square from an old white shirt that got stained beyond repair.

Text reads: "Kantha Coaster, Part 1, Assemble The Ingredients". 5 photos of cloth arranged in various ways to form a 6 inch square. 1. A single piece of white fabric. 2. Horizontal stripes of blue & purple fabric laid flat. 3. Horizontal and vertical stripes of blue & purple fabric laid flat. 4. Horizontal stripes of blue & purple fabric, edges sewn together. 5. Horizontal and vertical stripes of blue & purple fabric, edges sewn together. signed Karin Wanderer

  • The top & bottom are made from scraps of old worn out sheets. As seen in the top 2 examples, above: you can just lay the scraps out flat, pin or baste them in place, then start the kantha stitching. That is the traditional method, & what I had originally intended to do. If you do this method you will be sewing all the layer together at once with the kantha stitch, so you can skip section 2. You can also sew the scrap together like a contemporary quilt, as demonstrated in the bottom 2 examples. In this case the kantha stitching will strengthen the coaster.
  • Arrange your scraps however you like, use as many or as few as makes you happy. Try to avoid mixing very thick fabrics with very thin ones; if things are too uneven you drink will fall over!

2) Make The Sandwich

  • Lay out the top & bottom, right sides together. This means you lay out the top with the stitches down. Then the bottom on the top with the stitches up. Lay out the lining fabric on top of them

Text reads: "Kantha Coaster, Part 2, Make The Sandwich". 5 photos of cloth arranged in various ways to form a 6 inch square. 1. Horizontal stripes of blue & purple fabric, edges sewn together, seam side down. 2. Horizontal and vertical stripes of blue & purple fabric, edges sewn sewn together, seam side up, stacked on top. 3. A single piece of white fabric added to the stack. 4. A seam sewn around almost the entire square, leaving one small gap. 5. The square from "4" with excess fabric trimmed. signed Karin Wanderer

  • You can sew this next part with a machine or by hand. If using a machine, follow its instructions. By hand, start with a quilting knot, sew almost all the way around, & end with a finishing knot. Leave a 2 inch gap in your sewing. Trim the edges & corners, but do not cut into your stitches .

3) Flip The Sandwich Inside Out Just like Mother used to make.

  • Use the gap you left in your sewing to turn the coaster inside out, hiding the seam you just sewed inside.
  • Pin or baste to keep the layers of fabric in place while you sew. Draw a grid if you like things extra-neat.

Text reads: "Kantha Coaster, Part 3, Abandon the Analogy". 3 photos. 1. A square coaster of many fabrics sewn together, sides pinned. 2. The other side of the square from "1", basted with sides pinned & a chalk grid drawn on it. 3. A square coaster of many fabrics sewn together, with lines of purple embroidery from top to bottom. signed Karin Wanderer

  • Start your running kantha stitch. Make sure you sew along the outer edge to close the gap you used to turn the fabric right sides out. Since you will be able to see both sides of your stitching for this part, use a backstitch to anchor your thread. Then get stitching!

4) Experience Shrinkage Before adding horizontal lines of kantha stitching, this was a 5.5 inch square. Afterwards, it has shortened by about a quarter-inch. It's not a big different on a coaster, but it will have a larger effect on larger projects. Something to keep in mind!

Text reads: "Kantha Coaster, Part 4, Experience Shrinkage". 3 photos. 1 & 2. A square coaster of many fabrics sewn together, with lines of purple embroidery from top to bottom, shown from both sides. 3. The coaster on top of a 6 inch square ruler showing it measures just under 5.5 x 5.5 inches. signed Karin Wanderer

5) Revel In The Joy of Creating Something New I started this project to practice using a palm thimble & I absolutely love both the thimble & the coaster. My favorite part is that this is a project that can be scaled to any size. I'm currently working on a scarf using kantha stitching and I'm considering a blanket or shawl after that. I find sewing very soothing (probably because I get to stab something over & over) so I keep thinking of larger & larger projects.

Photo of a patchwork scarf in purple, blue, & black with lines of running kantha stitch covering about 1/7 of it. Scarf-in-Progress

Are you going to make something like this? Do you want to see me make something else? Let me know on Mastodon or Ko-Fi!

Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

 
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from untilted dot lol blog (dotart.blog's version)

I know I went a full month without posting anything new or worthwhile on the untilted dot lol blog. But, on the bright side, some new changes are coming:

  • There is now a dotart.blog mirror of the untilted dot lol blog. This means an actual RSS feed (besides my mostly nonfunctional JSON one), federation with the fediverse, and I actually get to verify it on my Mastodon profile.

  • untilted.lol income is reliant on subscription memberships and donations, but apparently the project isn't popular enough to warrant anyone actually supporting it. The good news is, I actually may have some ideas for an art commission that don't make me feel like I'm just wasting my time and that is bearable to do. You'll be hearing more details in the not too distant future, maybe this week.

  • I am constantly thinking of better ways to make the subscription membership option more attractive. Again, you'll hear about some new features at some point, but not too late.

  • I am constantly improving my website.

  • I am constantly looking for better marketing ideas that don't cost too much. The reason I used to briefly rely on Pinterest advertising is because it felt to be a more preferable option than the horrors of networking, which I still hate because I'm an insular person by nature.

That's all.

 
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from weekly Rworld news

I have preferred abstract imagery over words for expressing my thoughts because writing feels finite & imagery feels infinite.

A reason that I live in the city where I grew up is that it feels less like a choice than moving. Here is here, I've thought; whereas Elsewhere is... where? Why choose one place over all the others? As I prepare to move Away I'm drawn to the practice of regular written reports as a way to share my progress with others — and to help keep me motivated.

In other words I'm plunging myself into circumstances that I dislike: committing to make a choice from an array of options in where to lay my head in 2026 & in what to write about weekly & monthly.

There's one thing that painting and writing (and even where I'll live) have in common — the pejorative question, Who cares?!

I want to tell others about movies that I find amazing, Cielo & Alamar & The Ghost of Winter's Cape... but who do I think is turning to me for entertainment recommendations? To make sense I'd need to offer thorough reviews & then I'd need to do so regularly so that I'd build an audience for that service... but I never wanted to be a film reviewer. So is it better to not even talk about it? Do you find this questioning silly? Is there a you?

There's an account that I follow on the fediverse with regular climate crisis information. It's useful info but also it’s repetitive. Surely the person who runs it has other interests! I'm running my accounts as if I'm a celebrity & I'm very much not. I'm wanting to share all my aspects, not just my paintings, because I see it all related.

Honestly anonymity is more freeing than fame. I suppose I can write anything, paint anything, record anything. Most of the time the audience is 1-3 people. I know that I should try harder: to find a way to “make it”; to focus & edit much more; to entertain. Sigh. detail close up of abstract expressionist painting in variety of shapes and colors I have a 30-year body of work that I am proud of. I don't know what to do with it & it is not a source of income; but I like it & I'm not the only one. To relate to what I said above about audience, I feel we are accustomed to following the famous nowadays. Anything that a famous person does, no matter how boring, is “interesting” because they did it. Anything that a non famous person does is “boring” because they aren't objects of collective fascination. I do not feel at risk of becoming famous & that's a dilemma. Good, because I fear that the famous have very little time to think. I can't imagine being in high demand & being constantly praised. I would fear losing perspective. On the other hand, only by being famous is art deemed worth anything in our society. With fame I would have the pleasure of knowing my work wasn't destined to be trashed & I would even be granted the privilege of earning a living! What a wild thought that is! There was a time when I aspired to “local/regional fame” but that's a lot of work for little reward — and some of my least favorite work, ass kissing.

Anyway that's too much for now. This isn't the coherent, meaningful post I'd like it to be. It is what it is.

 
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from Karin Wanderer Learns

This year we're arting the alphabet from A-Z. Letters like æ, ñ, anything with a diacritical mark, etc., can go anywhere you like.

Watercolor of upper case letter K in a lovely shade of green with gold swirls.

Congrats on making it this far into the year! We've reached the letter K Any art subject starting with that letter is fair game, no matter how abstract.

Watercolor koala chills on the side of a eucalyptus tree. K is for Koala.

Let's make terrific art!

Each challenge lasts 2 weeks from the day this post was made. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pics randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want.

Use #ArtABCs & tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

 
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from Karin Wanderer Learns

What is a jelly?

Sea jellies are one of my favorite animals, which is a crowded field mostly populated by marine life. First, let's talk about what a jelly is not. In spite of being called jellyfish quite frequently, sea jellies are not fish! Fish are by definition vertebrates, & sea jellies have no bones at all. The blobby part of a sea jelly's body is called the “bell”, even though only some jelly bells are actually bell-shaped. The long thin strands are “tentacles”, where the jelly stingers are located. Some kinds of jellies have frilly “oral arms” stretching out from the bell. Some jellies use them to move food to the jelly's mouth. Some jellies cut right to the chase & have mouths on their oral arms! There are thousands of species of sea jelly & they are all wildly different from each other.The one thing all sea jellies have in common is that they are very cool. Today I will tell you a few reason why, and — because I'm a Jenny Nicholson fan— I will do so in the form of an internet-friendly numbered list:

Watercolor of a pink sea jelly playing an acoustic guitar with its tentacles. I will never be as cool as a sea jelly playing guitar.

Why Are Jellies So Cool?

  1. The collective noun for a group of sea jellies is a “smack”.

  2. Some sea jellies reproduce sexually, other asexually. This isn't divided by species: the lion's mane jelly can do both.

  3. The smallest jellies are about the size of a pea when fully grown.

  4. The largest jelly ever recorded had a bell 7 feet across, with tentacles 120 feet long!

  5. Sea jellies exist in every ocean on Earth.

  6. Sea jelly populations sometimes boom in a single location. This is called a “bloom”. Blooms can have devastating impacts on both the local ecosystem & things humans built.

  7. Sea jellies can thrive in both cold & warm water. They also do well in water that is acidic or polluted.

  8. Sea jelly populations are one of the very few ocean species that is responding positively to climate change.

  9. Some sea jellies are edible. They are considered a delicacy in many places. As sea jelly populations rise & blooms become more common, more people are trying to develop recipes for sea jelly.

  10. Upside-down jellies keep their tentacles angled up towards the sun, so the algae that that grows there gets enough light. The algae they grow accounts for 90% of their food. They are little marine farmers! They are also one of the very few types of sea jelly that anchors themselves in one place instead of moving through the water.

  11. Some sea jelly singers are too weak to hurt. Moon jelly stings have traditionally been used to treat arthritis.

  12. Some sea jellies are bioluminscent.

  13. Sea jellies don’t sting people on purpose- so don’t get too close! Some are harmless, some can be painful, & a few are deadly

Ink doodle of a happy red crab riding on a pink-purple-blue sea jelly.

And Another Thing

While we're on the subject: sea stars aren't fish, either. Sea Horses are, though; they are the slowest fish in the entire ocean! Humans are bad at naming things.

What do you think? Are sea jellies your new favorite marine life? Let me know on Mastodon or Ko-Fi! Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

Watercolor of a big yellow-green sea jelly with green & orange tentacles, having a nice swim.

 
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from Karin Wanderer Learns

This year we're arting the alphabet from A-Z. Letters like æ, ñ, or anything with a diacritical mark can go anywhere you like.

Watercolor of upper case letter J in a lovely shade of green with gold swirls.

Congrats on making it this far into the year! We've reached the letter J Any art subject starting with that letter is fair game, no matter how abstract.

Minimalist watercolor of a shark chasing a boat on the ocean. J is for Jaws.

Let's make terrific art!

Each challenge lasts 2 weeks from the day this post was made. You can submit a new picture every day, work on one picture for 2 weeks, or post pics randomly. This is the most laid-back art challenge on the internet, & that means you have plenty of time to make your art however you want.

Use #ArtABCs & tag me @KarinWanderer so I see it!

Pick your social & post your art! Mastodon Bluesky Cara

All art styles & skill levels are welcome- No AI, Yes alt text, CW as needed. Have a fantastic day, draw something for my art challenge, see you next week!

 
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from I'm a writer

No college experience, at least not in the sense of literary writing. I still feel deep inside that I'm worthy of the title of writer. Don't let the lack of published works fool you, I write every day. Consider the amount of other things necessary for daily life, myself being just as busy as any artist, and it should impress you. A lot of time and effort goes into making jewelry and practicing ballet, a writer isn't relegated to the wooden chair before a typewriter.

But, maybe they should be. Perhaps I am wrong and they still are. My opinions on the entire thing are worth about as much as my wife says they are, which to me is worth everything. To anyone who believes in me, they might care a bit. To anyone else, they don't matter.

In the end, it only really matters how we feel, silently of course, as it pertains to the growth of our skills and passions and quality of work. Regardless, this story is my life's purpose and I will write it for eyes, even if it is only my own, and this will not detract from the quality. If anything, it will make it better. My goal has and always will be, the same: hold their story in my hands. The ability to do so has been kept from me only by finances; but not indefinitely.

 
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from weekly Rworld news

This week's newsletter is divided into 2 parts: Fun & NoFun. The Fun part is about pop culture, specifically Star Wars: Andor season 2 (mild spoilers). The NoFun half is an inward rumination that builds on last week. Read either or both or none. Yay consent!

fun

First reaction:
Then (hidden for spoilers):

I like to use Mastodon posts in the weekly blog because it makes it easier. I do not want to spend a whole lot of time on these, or else I'm not going to be able to do them each week. My goal is to write over the weekend but so far the “weekly” posts are coming out late Monday night/really Tuesday morning. Tuesday is a day of the week...

First, easy: I like the scene with Kleya. She is a character I want to know more about. By noticing her hesitation upon entering the shop, I put that into my head for later. I believe that Andor is well-made, so I expect that detail to matter.

Now hard: Why didn't I like Season 2, episodes 1-2? Because Andor Season 1 is my current favorite program. My expectations were perhaps too high. By the time S2e3 reached its 1/3-point I was very happy & engaged with the show again. This fits the Andor pattern, I did not feel engaged in Season 1 until episode 4! But what repelled me from Season 2 is the way it breaks the Andor pattern. S1 was slooooooow, especially episodes 1-3. 94% of reviews call it “a slow burn.” There are many exciting moments in Andor S1 that are built up to after many episodes developing plot & characters. The excitement matters so much more because it was treated with care.

There are “action sequences” from the beginning of S2. Watching it I feared that the creators had changed the show to be more “fan-friendly.” It seemed like they may have gotten notes: Grab viewers' attentions! NOW!! Although that does not really make much sense, because the show got its season 2 & the team behind Andor intend for it to be the end of the story. We are in prequel territory — well, wait, I don't mean Star Wars E1-3 prequel territory (thank goodness, I'm not a fan of those). Andor is a prequel series to Rogue One which is a prequel movie to Star Wars: the Star Wars, E4: A New Hope. Buttttt, Andor (& Rogue One?) can be enjoyed without knowing anything about Star Wars. Andor has been called “the most Star Wars” & “the least Star Wars Star Wars.” Sigh. It takes too long to explain; but if you haven't seen it, just trust me that Andor is like The Wire or Better Call Saul more than it is like any previous Star Wars anything. It is set in that universe, but its plot and characters develop like “prestige television.” A comparison to last year's The Penguin leaps to my mind. Before The Penguin came out I had no interest in returning to Gotham or the super hero genre for another multi-hour commitment. But I checked out the show & I was hooked. There's no need to know Batman to enjoy The Penguin. The same is true for Andor & Star Wars. But if you do know Star Wars, like me who has seen every movie on first release, you can also appreciate seeing a story for grownups that's set in that universe.

This is getting long / Skip to Next Section if you like

I also liked Mandolorian, Season 1; Season 2 less; the Mando episodes of Boba Fett were the best of that show, not saying a lot; and Mando S3 was a joke. I didn't think that was going to happen with Andor, but streaming is unreliable. There's so much gap between seasons that I change, and the moment changes, and the tone of entire programs seems to change. I really wanted the finale of Severance Season 2 to end the show. I am less interested in the story as a whole because they are prolonging it. I may be unusual in that characteristic. I was pleased that Andor was intended to be 2 seasons from the start. There's no room for more, because we are building towards what happens in the movie Rogue One.

OK, so... I didn't get into S2e1 just like I barely paid attention to S1e1. Why wouldn't I give Andor creators the benefit of the doubt that it was going to get better? Because I disliked the 2 season premieres for opposite reasons. S1 was a slow burn. I have enjoyed it more on rewatch. S2e1 begins with action. During the buildup of the first episodes of Andor Season 1 things were developing. During the first episodes of S2 things were happening. A lot of things that I didn't care much about. I worried. I told myself, OK, they're in a hurry. They have to get all that they want into one season and they're headed towards Rogue One. I didn't like that rationale, but that's how I explained what was happening. SPOILER (characters, groups introduced in S2e1): Andor lands amongst infighting rebel groups. I can understand this as important groundwork because we know that this season will likely portray the rival rebel groups coming together to form an alliance that can eventually defeat the empire. These are IMPORTANT LESSONS for our time! Even so, it still felt too action-comedy of errors for me. And it felt random, careless, quick. Season 2 begins letting us know that a year has passed, but the various scenes still felt too irrelevant to me. Again, I was left thinking that they just don't have the time left to introduce every new character & group with care.

This is very long / Skip to the Rob-Personal Section if you like

The first scene for which I felt any intrigue was midway into episode 2. SPOILER (characters we like are visited by characters we do not like in S2e2): The imperial soldiers drop in on Andor's friends from Ferrix at a farm; one takes a special slimy interest in Bix. This sets up a payoff action sequence in e3 that feels more earned within the season than anything else that has happened so far. Again, I understand that there are places this season wants to go & so I guess they just decided to front-load a bunch of plot. It didn't feel very Andory to me. Hee hee. Likewise the Mon Mothma & Luthen stuff so far didn't interest me.

All changed in e3. It was very Andory. A remark from Luthen to Mon towards the end was very. The difficult love relationship between 2 rebels we like was very. There was a look! That part intertwines with the Luthen/Mon stuff & why Mon winds up cutting loose. I loved that! I even like the DJBot! Oh, excuse me, droid. And he was spinning the hit song from Cassian's days on the resort planet. The action scene I mention in the above paragraph was extreme, but it felt good & earned & reminiscent of the [SPOILER for S1]prison break.

I'm writing this update because Andor episodes do not drop at midnight, but 9pm EDT. If the new episode was already out I'd be watching. I am so hooked for what happens now, and grateful that they released 1-3 at once again. Last season, as I have said, it took me until e4 to be fully interested. I stopped watching Andor until I saw praise for it. Then I picked it back up. And it became my favorite show. I can overlook what felt rushed in e1-2 — and the fact that our 2 main “bad guys” are so far only being used for comic relief; I like the comic relief in e3 & it felt emotionally deserved — because the world building in S1 has me grounded. I look forward for where we go next. Although the ramped-up action concerned me at first now that the show is back on its footing I can only imagine how much tension & release may be on its way. It's still a good show, a very good show; & one with so much relevance for the time we are living in.


nofun

But wait you also get:

I see myself as an outlier. I struggle with community, often sacrificing communication & connection for individual expression. [Masto post]

Creative expression and personal development seem to be my top priorities. Others fit into that framework, not vice versa. What does that mean? That means I rank my relationship with myself first. When external relationships contradict my own sense of self I prefer not to demean myself to fit in. I spend as little time as possible wondering what others think of me. The unfortunate side effect is that I've spent time doing the reverse, assessing what I think of others. None of this is new. It's my character.

I remember crying in childhood about difficult friend dynamics & not feeling close to anyone. “Everybody likes you,” my mother protested. Rather than argue with her motherly exaggeration, I got to the point: But I don't like them! I wailed.

This goes on up to today. I have a very difficult time accepting bigotry and selfishness. Thus I really dislike being a white American!

At the same time it goes against my values to feel superior.

Huh! What a mess!

I talk as I do in part because I think my conundra are common. [1] What I say (often) in my livestreams is that I am presenting not my best but my realest. Actually I've never said that exactly. I document my mundane life events as antidote to content that's carefully choreographed. When I started broadcasting my life, on Insta during Covid at home times, I commented on a goofy basic everyday life thing that can make me feel defective — when I might bend over to pick something up & misjudge it, and repeat the action & still miss! It feels weird to malfunction like that. After I posted a friend replied, “I do this too!” I felt better. That's my whole stream! If I'm able to articulate or document some small difficulty I'm having & someone sees it who has experienced the same “human malfunction” then we can both feel less alone, together. I say this even if no one responds or even watches my streams! The material I put out has the potential to create connection. That's enough reason to do it. And it's why I value sharing instead of recording only for myself.

I'm communicating with others in my art, my writing, and my videos in the way that I wish I could relate to all I know in real life. Sharing this way releases tension because I am not turning to everyone I know IRL with my unmet needs. Instead when I'm with others now I know that I am building the ability to enjoy myself and meet them where they are. I find amazing connections that I might not have noticed before when my focus was on getting precisely what I wanted. My needs are so great that of course that's what I am usually carrying with me. Putting out as much content [2] as I can is helping me feel content. And there's no need for me to be judging “how much of me” people can take! My IRL friends do keep coming back IRL, no matter how disconnected I may have been — and for that it's best for me to be thankful! (Not to be carrying around a list of gripes titled what needs my friends aren't meeting!) Maybe I can make my life an art. I already view most everything I share — art, vlogs, blogs — as art, because it's not design. Design is like art, but for a measurable purpose. Purposes include making money, reaching an audience, gaining recognition, line go up, metrics, achieving a goal, many things. In everything I do the purpose is expression. I am an abstract expressionist & a humanist. I express those values in my output. I avoid designing my work to meet any other measure besides feeling good. At times I've tried to make numbers go up, to great disappointment. Not only have I failed to make a living or become “famous” all thoughts devoted to those aims detracted from true expression. Others may be able to do it; I don't speak for others. For me, attempting to measure success is a distraction from my ability to produce art as I define it. I do not believe the world currently accepts artists, but it has many openings for celebrities. One category precludes the other.

I may have got off track. I will say that I have many unmet needs. Awareness of them is helping, is healthy (same word). I express myself to the max:

I am able to do so while still feeling healthy because I have learned to have zero external expectations from my work. Art for art's sake is here! I have learned that I must employ this attitude to function best. Then, any response is a delicious gravy on top of the main course of self fulfillment. I do believe that working in this mode I will achieve far more. And, after all, I set the measure of achievement for my life. (In earlier posts somewhere I have lamented the many “successful” artists who destroyed their lives; that is due to a misunderstanding of success as coming from without [“the world”] and not within [“the self”].)

There need not be a contradiction between my personal goals and my ability to have relationships. Especially considering I seek to achieve humanissome level 82 [there is no level 82] ability to feel unconditional love for all. I hope for others to befriend me as I am & I aspire to do the same in return. Whatever is lacking in me that fails to meet a friend's needs is particular to me, and not the same as whatever it may be that I am looking for (& not always finding) in others. This failure to meet each other as we are is the cause of great suffering, I think. I aim to improve.

I can express myself & I can choose the when, where, how much, & to whom. Pretty much I fully express myself in all my artsy pursuits, including Rartsy.com. Folks can drop in & out on that content to their heart's content. There is no artist I “consume” fully & all the time. In real life (as we say) I am seeing self regulation of expression more positively. In past I would often see it as stifling, self censorship, phoniness. Now I am more inclined to realize that IRL content exposure is intense. I may think I'm wonderful to the max —do I?— but I can look at IRL like other content. No one consumes it all. I do not need to (& no longer hope to) present all of me to every “real” friend. It's too much. And there are bits of even my closest friends that I cannot know. I cannot meet all their needs. They need a break from me sometimes. And sometimes that can include while we are together. I am choosing not to say as much. I am feeling my needs being met in my arts expression, so I'm going into personal interactions more freely, more frequently. So far it feels really good.


This blog is issue 4 of a weekly update that can be followed these ways:

I also offer monthly & seasonal options for keeping up with me. And there's one that's not on a schedule, random RobBlog. It is unrealistic to expect corporations to keep us connected. Whenever possible I choose nonprofit spaces with no ads, no tracking, and where I have control.

[1] I know conundra is wrong; don't care. ↩️ [2] As I have done with career before, I am rehabilitating the word content. The problem with both words is not inherent; it's who controls, who judges, who benefits. I have seen many artists who detest the word career. I understand & felt the same way. But I'm an etymology worshipper & the word career is apt. It comes from road, carriage, and earlier run. I do see myself on a journey in art. I do have a career. The problem isn't the word it's modern connotations about earnings, recognition, societal approval, etc. I reclaimed career several years ago. Now, content. In this case I do not even need to turn to etymology. (Though that is also just fine, it means held together.) I produce material that fills blogs, and someday I hope books, and videos, and paint. I share these in multiple ways, but all are at least represented online. It's content. Rob-content. I am not insulted by the term. I fill my streams, my feeds, my blogs, my sites, etc. with content. I happen to like my content & I think of it as art. There is no contradiction. When folks object they most likely dislike the kind of content that succeeds on various services. Content creators as a profession are looked down on by many, especially the hard-working underpaid, a category that unfortunately includes most writers, artists & academics. I enjoy the company & work of writers, artists & academics; & I do not much enjoy spending time with successful content creators. My disagreement is not with the word but with the material. The algorithmic judgments that produce content that I do not much like. My problem is much more with capitalism than with the word content. I'm sure most who disdain content are using it as shorthand for {the whole problem} but I choose not to. I do produce content. And I would be happy if I could be a successful content creator. I will not, however, chase algorithms. ↩️

 
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from untilted dot lol blog (dotart.blog's version)

I still remember holding a pencil in my hand during class, not just to work on assignments or group projects, but also to secretly scribble pictures of characters with huge eyes and exaggerated proportions. Back then, it didn't matter if the arms were too long or if the perspective was all off. The rules of art didn’t really apply too much. Doodling cartoons felt like freedom. Cartoons were, and still are, about exaggeration without apologies, creating worlds where a character could suddenly turn into a rocket mid-sentence without anyone questioning the physics.

However, as much as I still prefer drawing cartoons to drawing anything realistic, I can't help but notice that my interest in cartoons is slowly waning. It's not because I've completely outgrown them or because I buy into the old idea that serious art has to be hyperrealistic. Simply put, I just do not have the same enthusiasm or interest in cartoons I used to have as a child. Like, all the exaggerations in cartoons that I used to tolerate as a child now just grates me. But it can also annoy me just as much as the over-the-top dramatic antics in melodramas, so it's not a “I'm putting away childish things” sort of thing. Even Japanese anime irks me now (although I still like Studio Ghibli movies).

I'm genuinely annoyed at what passes for popular in the cartoon sphere these days, both animated and printed. Every piece has to squeeze in something that shocks a couple of people because shock value is cool nowadays. It's as if subtle storytelling is out of style, and every drawing has to give a wink to the audience: “Look how grown-up we are! Check out my character saying and doing naughty no-no stuff!” If that's what you want to intend your art for, fine. I'm not against anyone's creative choices. But it's so insane that everything popular has to be adultified just to discourage kids from looking at it. These days, even preschool shows manage to sneak in celebrity cameos that seem more fitting for late-night comedy spots, with inside jokes that go over kids' heads but get a thumbs-up from adults who want to feel “in the know”. It's not clever; it just feels like pandering. Like nothing can't be for just all ages anymore because adults are obsessed with wanting to remind everyone that the world is dark and mean and cruel. However, I'm more concerned about the more moderately explicit ones than the mild ones seen in anything lower than at least TV-PG. The ones that raise important social issues are not really my problem, and I am not one of those people to obsess over tone than the actual point being made. But the more gratuitous ones that just exist for shock value are, at least to some extent.

It actually makes me not want to look at any cartoon art anymore, including anime. Like, sometimes I can't. Then there's the other extreme, the shows that try so hard to be “wholesome” that they end up feeling cold and sterile. Like happiness has to be pure and simple, stripped of any real complexity. I mean, come on, I believe that cartoons can and should be more than wholesome, but I dont want everything to be inappropriately adultified literally everywhere either. A story can explore grief without getting lost in it, or show hope without making it too gritty or real.

Frankly, having to keep up with trends in cartoons just to meet the public eye halfway does not appeal to me if no trend does. That's why I end up following no trends at all, especially with my art.

That's probably just my ingrained and possibly outdated and irrational cultural beliefs talking, though, so I probably won't be as taken seriously.

 
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from Ovro

I have spoken myself empty Carved out my insides to shape words.

I have talked myself hollow Kept together by a cover this layer of skin.

I have cried myself bare Exposed my everything and bled raw.

I have thought myself void Realized being lacking on all that counts.

I have became sorrow.

#poetry

 
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from weekly Rworld news

Building a better future...

In the last 12 hours I've shared videos on insta and twitch in which I discuss longstanding self improvement goals. On the one hand if I haven't “resolved” certain issues after 30 years it might seem time to admit defeat. On the other hand, binary framing is one of the very habits I work to overturn. In one video I look left and right at my hands, then turn them horizontal to represent tier ranking. Perceiving the world in the frame of simple binary right & wrong and/or expanding to tier ranking are both unhealthy limitations on my development. The same struggles, the same questioning may not change; but growth emerges in how I respond. Relatedly, my passion for abstract is a defense against over reliance on the comfort of stories. Different times over the years I've railed against stories. As I feel stronger in my convictions I also feel calmer.

I don't seek victory; I seek peaceful coexistence.

Every week I manage to create, in spite of (or because of) my struggle with pain. In some senses time is rushing by while I fall behind; but do I not get to set my priorities? In addition to creating, each week I am advancing some long term goals. The conundrum of things going well while going poorly is true. I'm living in a period of inactivity and also tremendous change, deterioration and progress.

YouTube archive of a live stream explained here


Does the 3rd time set the pattern? This is the 3rd edition of a weekly update that can be followed these ways:

I also offer monthly & seasonal options for keeping up with me. It is unrealistic to expect corporations to keep us connected. Whenever possible I choose nonprofit spaces with no ads, no tracking, and where I have control. I recently purchased 2 new URLs: Rartsy.com is now showing available paintings & Humanissome.org embeds my video streams & social media activity.

 
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from Magicka Ovriana

The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram or LBRP for short can be said to be the basic banishing ritual in all of Ceremonial Magick and other methods of working magick influenced by CM. Not only that, it can be said to be the basic ritual there is. In this occasion, “basic” refers to “what forms the base, the foundation”. This ritual is performed regularly by a large number of magick workers of a wide variety of flavours world wide and irregularly by an even larger number of them.[1]

As it is such a basic and widely used ritual, there has been by time created a “LBRP-egregore”. You could say that when you are performing the LBRP, you are not only doing it for the effects of the ritual, but also tapping into the current created by all the previous workings of LBRP and those being worked now.

The ritual is basic, but not simple – it is much more than “just a (temple) purifying rite you do before the actual workings”.[2]

LBRP is, as the name implies (the) lesser (banishing) pentagram ritual. There is also the Greater Ritual of the Pentagram, which uses banishing / invoking and active / passive forms of the pentagrams of all the elements. However, in this lesser ritual, the Pentagram of the Earth only is used.[3]

Now, why do you use only the Pentagram of Earth? To understand this, one needs to look a bit deeper into the ritual.

Visualisation instructions for the first part of LBRP, the Kabalistic Cross, tell the Magician to imagine hirself growing ever taller to the point where the entire universe seems tiny. However, the feet remain firmly on the ground. This is a clue: earth is where you operate, the sphere the ritual is acting upon. Besides, you are using the pentagram as the symbol drawn and the pentagram represents the material, earthly world.

So, this is an earth(l)y ritual. Maybe this is why there's only the Earth Pentagram used. Well, it's not that simple. Thinking about this a bit further, questions arise. If merely operating on the earth, feet firmly on the ground, makes the ritual need only one kind of Pentagram, shouldn't there be pentagram rituals for the other three elements – and spirit – and using the other pentagrams not only available, but regularly used? Furthermore (and this is said with a wink), if standing with feet firmly on the ground is the reason to use only the Earth Pentagram – who exactly would one do rituals for the other elements? Should one be standing on, say, fire? Even done as just a visualisation, things might get a tad difficult.[4]

It seems to be the time to find the next clue. The first clue pointed towards earth. No, actually the first clue was found even before that – it's in the name of the ritual: “lesser”.

The second, err... third clue can be found from the spoken texts of the ritual. With the exception of part three, the Evocation of the Archangels, it's Hebrew. This suggests taking a look at Kabbalah[5]. Granted, merely the fact that this is a ritual of Ceremonial / High / Ritual Magick, should make one think about looking there... You pretty much can't avoid having to learn at least the basic ideas of Kabbalah sooner or later, if you are interested in CM.

The fourth and quite important clue has been present all along: the symbology of the Pentagram. Especially the Pentagram as the symbol of the microcosm, not only as the symbol that contains five elements and connects them all when it's drawn. Taking those four clues (rearranged a bit): Kabbalah leads to taking a look at the Tree of Life. “Lesser” points the look downwards on the Tree. Earth focuses the search to the representation of the material world. Finally, the Pentagram tells it straight (if the former ones didn't already) with the information of the symbol representing the microcosm – the earthly Kingdom of Malkuth. Now there's a familiar term, it's said in the ritual even! For a reason, too.

The following is simplification, so bear with me. Studying each element, gesture, name, word and symbol further is more than adviced!

On the Tree of Life, LBRP acts on the low(est) point, the 10th Sephira called Malkuth. The name means “Kingdom” and it is the sphere of Earth and material existence. Both the element and planet attributed to Malkuth is Earth. Logically, it's direction is north.

Malkuth is traditionally pictured as being divided into four quarters, the four elements Earth, Air, Fire and Water. It is also the plain of elementals and (unlike with any other Sephira) the spirits of the four elements are divided into four categories, including archangels familiar from the rite being discussed.

However, even with the other elements present, one could semi-jokingly say that there is enough attributes to earth/earthy/material to last for all four directions.

Little more seriously speaking, Malkuth is the sphere where what “exists only as ideas” become real, material, have substance. It's immersed with matter. It is “earth/material heavy” and it makes sense that the mage makes sure hir “can handle it” – that's where the mage lives. This Sephirah is also the only one that is attributed to earth. The other 9 Sephiroth are attributed to the three other, “older” elements; the roots of these elements to the Supernal Triad and two sets of three in the two lower ones. So, one could think of the Fire, Air and Water in Malkuth as being “Fire of Earth” (etc), which would make using just the Earth Pentagram even more logical.

Furthermore, even when one uses only the Earth Pentagram, the other elements “get into the rite anyway” with the symbology used and the symbolic stress on the material becomes clearer. Enough with the over-use of quotation marks!

In this ritual, you are – among other things – bringing down power from the upper planes (note the visualisation of light, touching head first and then pointing down touching the genital area) to the plane of (your) operation, physical plane (where it also gets grounded). You are also creating an area of protection around yourself – around you flame the four pentagrams, above and under you are hexagrams.

Checking what different occult fraternities and writers say about the LBRP's relation with it gives more insight. They also give a bit of mixed messages.

For example, Aleister Crowley places the ritualist standing on the “intersection of the paths of Samekh and P�. You are facing Tiphareth (the Sun), thus on your right hand is Netzach (Venus), on your left hand Hod (Mercury), and behind you Yesod (the Moon).”[6] Thinking about the archangels of the Sephiroth mentioned this would fit, especially when one checks closer the Archangel Haniel that's usually placed in Netzach instead of Uriel (Auriel) that gets called in the ritual. According to a Kabbalah FAQ, “Around the 12th to 15th centuries C.E. the name of Haniel came to replace the name Uriel” . Furthermore, the attribution of the Archangels isn't set in stone or otherwise remain the same throught the ages or interpretations.

According to Golden Dawn, you have your back to the Tree (the microcosmic Tree – you become the Tree), with Geburah to your left and Gedulah (Chesed) to your right. You are “standing” on Malkuth, though.

If you go by Crowley's placement, the earth-heavyness can still be explained: you're working on the Assiah, the lowest of the four Kabbalistic worlds – the material world.

Notes

[1] In addition to this, there are many LBRP variants out there, written mainly by and for the use for people who find it uncomfortable to use the kabalistic – interpreted by many as blatantly Christian – names and symbology of the original. In my personal opinion, if the names called in LBRP do not feel at all fitting, one might want to try the Star Ruby before going for any of the LBRP variants. Why? Consider the egregores.

[2] Or, to quote Aleister Crowley: “Those who regard this ritual as a mere device to invoke or banish spirits, are unworthy to possess it. Properly understood, it is the Medicine of Metals and the Stone of the Wise.” (from notes of “The Palace of the World”)

[3] In some traditions, those who advance to higher levels of initiations / levels are given a version using four Pentagrams: those of Fire, Water, Air and Earth. Furthermore, in some traditions this ritual is done with only the Earth Pentagram, because at an early stage, the novice has not been taught the other ones... However, LBRP in the “only Earth Pentagram” form is not for the use of nor used by beginners only!

[4] Here, I'm going on the silly side. You can use any of the five pentagrams in a pentagram ritual. In this occasion, the original question referred to the “standard LBRP”, so I'm working from that on. Sometimes getting silly, as it seems.

[5] Kabalah, Kabbalah, Qabalah, or which ever way you happen to spell it...

[6] Aleister Crowley: Magick (“Blue Brick” -edition), p. 691

(Sources, in addition to the mentioned, were several, heh.)

#Magick #Thelema

 
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from RMiddleton

Baby, I feel not good enough. I can say that I know with near certainty that my current inability to perform is due to chronic back pain. I can talk about potential causes & solutions [1] but I can also say there's always been something [2] preventing me from performing. I can say that it's ultimately how I am. If I want to I can say, “Baby, I feel not good enough.”

What I have always worked towards is emotional healing. My visual art and my online posts and the books I dream of writing. My current practice is streaming to organize my thoughts. I started this by saying, “Baby, I feel not good enough,” because I have been streaming a lot without feeling able to say what I want to say. I am creating for emotional healing, yet not even feeling well enough to get better. Today what I had on my mind to stream about was what I've written above and in notes 1 & 2, below. Then something happened.

Last night:

Today:

I'm still terribly sad about the meat fail, but I might be happy with the stream about the meat fail: I process emotions; I use an immediate and vivid personal experience as a possible means of examining the human universal (YMMV of course); art helps (Sarfraz Manzoor's story published in The Moth anthology A Point Of Beauty); and it all happens in “just” one hour.

  • Within the first minute I've acknowledged my difficulty keeping streams focused on topic & I've divulged the meat disaster
  • First 20 minutes are me unpleasantly describing my unpleasant feelings about unpleasant difficulties. I'm snarfing my nose & throat. I'm frustrated about the state of my home. I'm despondent over the meat (still am & spoiler: I ate some). I describe how my frustration management negatively impacts concentration & relationships.
  • Story Time! If there weren't such things as money & YouTube & advertising & intellectual property then I would proudly link more info on the story and its author. As it is you'll have to look it up yourself if you're interested. I want my content to always reflect the culture that gets me through life — humanities / humanism / human existence. I hate advertising & I consider myself a nonprofit. (I do seek patron support.) I only use commercial sites for the free space. I dream of hosting all my content ad free myself some day.
  • aside: What is love? · The story raises questions about the nature of love. I break to reflect on my experiences and understanding of love as a child and today.
  • back to story
  • loud noise distracts my attention from the story, after which i feel sad about the meat again. A benefit of my “public life with no pretense” is the recording of ordinary human existence. My theory of being centers attention. Recording daily events like this offers evidence of how the mind (my mind at least) functions. It's clear that I am enjoying myself as I read the story. An unexpected noise disrupts my attention, causing natural alertness. Immediately my concentration returns to the sadness I feel over the lost food.

Behaviors often labeled ADHD are normal mental functioning, in my theory of mind. [3] It's beneficial to rotate focus frequently to maintain awareness over multiple things. The noise jolts me from my enjoyment, likely causing adrenaline to turn my focus to threats. As there is none from outside, I turn inward and remember my sad experience of the day, possibly spoiled groceries. At this point I can choose to return to my pleasant activity, but I decide to gather more information on the potential threat. Deciding what to do about potentially unsafe meats is a threat. If I choose one course of action I may threaten my health; another course inflicts damage to mood, ego, and the very limited time, energy, & money available to me these days to perform basic functions. All my decisions take these facts into account.

At 42:55, returning from the field trip to gather data on meat storage temperatures, having learned disappointing results, I take my shirt off to ease physical discomfort. I am not making this point a link because I am not operating a partial-nudity only fans (yet). My views on distraction extend to physical comfort — innumerable physical and mental sensations being processed by the mind at all times. I couldn't ease my mind about the meat safety. Instead I took my shirt off. (All of this makes complete sense to me.)

[1] I can talk about my attempts to manage the pain {doctors' visits, medications, physical therapy, yoga, walking} and I can talk about offers from loved ones to pay for new treatments. I can talk about difficulties with US medical culture. I can talk about my life history that impacts my attitudes and motivation towards diet, exercise, stretching, medicine, and money. ↩️
[2] Starting at birth: No dad, angry & depressed Mom; I'm alienated and weird, gay but not knowing it, just feeling different, longing for a place where I could find “people like me” ... I pour my intention on getting to a good college where I'll be able to feel good; I go to Princeton; I feel good briefly then all crashes down. I'm still alienated & different, still gay but not wanting to be, not wanting to see that, still having trouble making friends, still feeling like others do not share my values. At this point I really begin to understand that I care about underdogs and that means equal worth, rights, and opportunity for all – and that most people do not seem to care about those values or are hostile. I pour my emotions into art & therapy. On some level I still want to try to fit in because I feel that is required in order to survive. I'm tired of typing this. ... Basically then comes inheriting money & distractions that came with that; and then a serious boyfriend who becomes family who I thought was a life partner. International economic collapse and my partner being a liar and cheater become the next causes for my inability to perform. I get bad jobs and then I can't perform because my energy and time is being drained into barely subsistence work that makes the world a worse place. While being taken advantage of by a series of rich people, then Covid hits. I change my attitude. I say I'm going to devote all my time and energy to creating, no matter what. Quickly run out of money. I don't do health care because I can't afford it. Now I have bad teeth, bad back, and more. The back pain is the current reason I don't achieve my goals. But it's easy to see that there is probably some NEW excuse just waiting around the corner, right? That's what my lying, cheating partner would have said, did say. My current lover is lovely and loving so that at least is a step up. I didn't want to write this, so that's why I stuck it down here. I'm going to lower the font size. Some reason I had to get all this out BEFORE saying what I wanted to above, because these thoughts are often with me. The idea that I don't have conditions impeding me; but that my problem is that I am me. Phew. Having said all that I am going to go back to the top and partly annotate my most recent video stream. ↩️
[3] I have a lot of theories, evidently. I mean, yes it's true & also I'm writing more, more quickly, and fretting over editing less. It's good. ↩️

 
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