I cannot feel pity my soul's too old to die

None will ever see this I'm too used to hide

I cannot feel pity my soul's just too old

to the eyes of the world I'm cold I put on a mask do as I'm told

they see me housebroken tamed domesticated ev'ry mother's dream

that isn't me

they see me soft-spoken chaste sophisticated

never truly seen

I'm dreaming of friends at last I'm dreaming of friends that last but I rather just dream than be met with another slap cold and wet

another blow on the bruise but it's all bruise now breaking the bones of my soul

insides are cut open framed fabricated

see me how you will

and... wild-minded dark stony hearted

all I've ever been

I walk heavy headed I do not understand...

not this world maybe next

my reflection turns away

it will not see me it knows what is hidden and sometimes shows through the cracks if you know where to look

#poetry #lyrics #DarkAmbient #ActuallyAutistic

Background info

Some of this will ne familiar to those who have been reading my posts lately – or have listened to Id|entities track Absent. Earlier version was called Mementropy, this version didn’t have a name.

This is from 2008, I think, and has turned more into a study of loneliness. Some lines within did, in fact, end up in a story / song on that very subject.

Looking back at this text, it ks very much written from the point of view of an as yet not realized autistic, trying hard to make sense of how they're being seen and so often so misunderstood in the world.

If there ever was a piece of lyrics trying to tell myself things, I could nominate this bit: “it knows what is hidden / and sometimes shows through the cracks / if you know where to look” as being about masking and how only those who spot the mask and the cracks see the actual me.

And, heck, this: “to the eyes of the world I'm cold / I put on a mask do as I'm told”. It may have taken me time to realise my own masking and that there was never anything wrong with me, just different wiring.

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Fedizen of the mastodon.art at @ovro@mastodon.art, come say hi.

You do trust me, yes? You do want me . . . as a friend?

I wish to be inside ... your chamber your chamber... of toys and books and I I want to play with your... toys and books and mind

Can I climb in your arms and play with your heart?

You do trust me, yes? You do want me... yes? In your chamber of toys and books? Will you play?

Noone has wanted me before...

#Poetry #Lyrics #DarkAmbient

Background Info

Another track that never got finished.

The story within is told from from the perspective of a child, so eager to form friendships but having oh so hard time trying. In spite of the pure intentions of the child – they really, truly just want to play, read and have deep discussions – the words they choose, they pauses in delivery due to trying to find the right things to say, all this makes other kids view the poor child odd, weird, creepy and downright scary.

Some version of this I couldn't find had a mocking reply voice repeating “Never trust her lying eyes”. After all, aren't eyes lying if one doesn't hold a steady eye contact? Isn't that what we're taught?

Lying eyes found their way to unfinished track called Love. Yeah, I'm fond of recycling and testing new combinations and contexts.

Looking at this now, I can’t help thinking about #ActuallyAutistic masking…

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Fedizen of the mastodon.art at @ovro@mastodon.art, come say hi.

Every now and then I get a feeling like I really need a few copies of me to get things done, with all the brain buzzing going on. Not to mention all the outside pressure that tends to always be around. The work I do in order to be able to afford to do art, the clubs I belong to and in which I seem failing to be just a member and whatnot.

What would really happen, though, is that all of the mes would be busily doing one thing, with all the other stuff still waiting to be done. Yeah #ActuallyAutistic special interests for the win.

But, when projects now in various stages of realization WOULD be finally finished by the mes, I'd go dancing with myself (oh-oh-o-oh). And to go with the dancing we'd do some boozing and get drunken ideas about a bit more intimate versions of dancing with myself. Oh boyoyos.

By the way – would only the original me be married, or all of us? If all, would it actually count as polygamy when there wouldn't be multiple persons, just copies of one person?

Anyway, how long would the one I/we are married to actually stick around with multiple mes running around? One me can be a bit much, I reckon…

But… to get things done, a few copies of me might be nice.

#RandomThoughts

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Fedizen of the mastodon.art at @ovro@mastodon.art, come say hi.