Unnamed Lost
I cannot feel pity my soul's too old to die
None will ever see this I'm too used to hide
I cannot feel pity my soul's just too old
to the eyes of the world I'm cold I put on a mask do as I'm told
they see me housebroken tamed domesticated ev'ry mother's dream
that isn't me
they see me soft-spoken chaste sophisticated
never truly seen
I'm dreaming of friends at last I'm dreaming of friends that last but I rather just dream than be met with another slap cold and wet
another blow on the bruise but it's all bruise now breaking the bones of my soul
insides are cut open framed fabricated
see me how you will
and... wild-minded dark stony hearted
all I've ever been
I walk heavy headed I do not understand...
not this world maybe next
my reflection turns away
it will not see me it knows what is hidden and sometimes shows through the cracks if you know where to look
#poetry #lyrics #DarkAmbient #ActuallyAutistic
Background info
Some of this will ne familiar to those who have been reading my posts lately – or have listened to Id|entities track Absent. Earlier version was called Mementropy, this version didn’t have a name.
This is from 2008, I think, and has turned more into a study of loneliness. Some lines within did, in fact, end up in a story / song on that very subject.
Looking back at this text, it ks very much written from the point of view of an as yet not realized autistic, trying hard to make sense of how they're being seen and so often so misunderstood in the world.
If there ever was a piece of lyrics trying to tell myself things, I could nominate this bit: “it knows what is hidden / and sometimes shows through the cracks / if you know where to look” as being about masking and how only those who spot the mask and the cracks see the actual me.
And, heck, this: “to the eyes of the world I'm cold / I put on a mask do as I'm told”. It may have taken me time to realise my own masking and that there was never anything wrong with me, just different wiring.
Fedizen of the mastodon.art at @ovro@mastodon.art, come say hi.