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I've been saying, “I'm not doing well enough to get better,” all year. I've said it to my sister & I've said it to my boyfriend. They're not doing well enough to help me.

I want to address the way I talk. Someone in the Scribes&Makers group on Mastodon said not too long ago that I had a positive energy that inspires others. And another stranger who found my twitch stream said they thought I was a great person. I am willing to accept compliments if others are willing to tolerate honesty. Yesterday was my sister's birthday and I did not contact her. I knew it was her birthday but at some point it fell out of my mind. My attention is almost entirely distracted by chronic pain & the things I do to avoid chronic pain. I don't have good days, I get some scattered good half hours. I don't like complaining but I do like honesty. I'm also annoyed at how long it takes to say anything. I've already raised so many topics.

The theme is my sunny pessimism. The theme is people who find inspiration in me while I'm painfully aware of my negative outlook. Take what I just put on Instagram:

It's easy for me to imagine my words provoking disapproval. Of the things I've shared so far the following could be fairly seen as unacceptable negativity: assessing my capabilities as lacking; assessing my sister's & my boyfriend's capabilities as lacking (how do I even know?! & it's an improper thing to say!); pessimism & passive aggression in the Instagram posts. Negativity isn't tolerated, especially negativity from a creative wishing for recognition & income, especially especially on corpo social media! Sigh. Look, I've already admitted this post isn't what I want to be writing. I want to say all these things much quicker, for my sake & yours (if there are any you). Ok. It's things like that! I know it's “bad form” to question the existence of an audience. One, someone has to read it to read it! Two, I'm not owed an audience, I'm not owed art sales. When I say these things, about trashing paintings or no one reading, I know I sound bitter & there's no way that I'm not — but also I'm not. Or at least I'm not angry. I see myself as fortunate in many ways.

Break from writing during which I slept and lived a day I did not enjoy much. I also texted my sister.

The honesty is that I feel it's important to flatly describe how I am doing. I am not doing well. Saying so bluntly causes reactions from others. The reactions usually do not help, usually make me feel that it would be better if I were not honesty about feeling bad. What I've just described may be the disabled person's dilemma. I do not expect anyone to solve my problems. Yes they are debilitating. Pretending that things are great is an additional burden I do not wish to bear. So I barely socialize, barely talk to anyone.

When I say that no one can solve my problems, when I say that my sister and boyfriend are not doing well enough to help me, what I mean is that managing my current difficulties would require a full-time commitment. No one I know, even those who might care deeply about me, is in a position to manage my life and theirs too. It would require someone “doing so well” that their own lives are running smoothly nearly on auto-pilot, such that they could drop everything to help me out. I have some big tasks. I do not expect to be able to do them well. I have to accept that.

I do sometimes receive offers of financial sponsorship of medical procedures. I do not have the energy tonight to explain why that is not as appealing as it sounds. Well, yes I do! I don't want to put it off. As I just indicated, my current abilities / energy level is such that I can barely think and make decisions, and I'm only motivated and functioning for a half hour or so here & there. Selecting a new doctor, initiating any new treatment is beyond me. And it seems like it would be the beginning of a multi-month or multi-year process & that is definitely beyond my current capacity. I have a hard financial deadline for moving out of my current home that is fast approaching. I feel like that is where my limited focus must be. I know in theory that medical treatment should help increase my functioning — but that just has not been my experience ever. Every medical relationship I've ever attempted has been long, complicated, expensive, disappointing, psychologically draining. What I think for now is that I need to receive some minimum maintenance medical care (a prescription I know works ok, in the dosage I require) while I work to start a new phase of my life.

Perhaps I'll feel differently if I felt a little bit better. But as for now, I am not doing well enough to get better.