RMiddleton

I sort of only feel good when I'm creating.

Obsession? Compulsion? Maybe. I just uploaded an unedited ramble video to YouTube! Doing so fits with my attitude about corporate spaces only being good for free storage. And not even of anything that matters because they can delete it at any time. So it's only worth putting crap onto! Yes I've made friends via Instagram & I've kept up with existing connections using Facebook but I've long felt those days are gone. I admire people who remain capable of getting more from corporate media than it drains from them. I'm not able to do so, except by very strange ways. I post and run. I can't keep up with responses. Being open to responses leaves myself open to manipulation and bs wastes of time. (I have a gmail box I never check! Same reason.) That choice of words invites a question! Do I not waste my own time? Like a ton of it? Why yes. Yes I do. The last few days I've binged the tv show Moonlighting. But it was my choice. Autonomy and consent are essential human rights in my view. And I feel that very essence of humanity is eroded by our unequal relationships with corporations.

I mostly talk about this type of stuff — and I'll admit it can be a bit of a bummer. I happen to see the core problems of humanity being loss of agency. People feel powerless. The feeling makes it so.

I think I see my weird art and weirder words as trying to spread empowerment. I can only do it this sloppy way because any other way is inauthentic. In my view the people who are really good at marketing hope are taking not giving. I seek to give simply by sharing my feelings. What I offer is my example. I believe it's the only real way to teach and to learn.

Results. What are the results?! I think we are driven by results. The big question I ask is whether I am at peace or whether I am in distress. If I'm in distress, can I identify the cause(s)? What can I do about it? When I was more “results focused” I was also deeply distressed. I believe that my work for worldly results was not satisfying my spirit. I decided that the spirit of my life is what matters to me. I changed. Now I still have worries. Big worries. And I know exactly what they are.

I traded angst for clarity.

My current big worries are that my bank balance is always near zero. I have chronic lower back pain that inhibits functioning. My relationships with family, friends, and my society are difficult.

I worried about all those things before, except not always the financial. What I worry a lot less about now: do I have a purpose? am I good? am I worthy? am I terrible? Is there good & evil? What is the point of life? Am I doing the right things?

It's really difficult to explain and impossible to prove, but I feel more at peace as who I am. I had felt some sort of adversarial self relationship before that I am working out now. That's worth financial pain.

Contra point: umm lol I was just about to take the adversarial position, because I'm accustomed to attacking my own position as a show of “reasonableness” and to pinpoint weaknesses. I might do that later but I truly don't feel like it. Lolz. It would be a bummer and I'm not welcoming that feeling atm.