RMiddleton

Makes sense since I make art like this right?!

If you know me you know I can very verbal. Verbose even. Why do I now say I'm nearly nonverbal?

Combination of factors: I talk to few & see fewer. Plus the pain. At an appointment today I was asked what the pain prevents me from doing. And... eventually... I said... thinking. Pain prevents me from focusing on anything but it. It's always there. I'd compare it to hunger, or cold, or a hostile environment, or depression. There's a need within my brain to flood my awareness every waking hour to keep going. I haven't had one good day in 2024. I told them that at the doctor's office too. They scheduled me for a steroid epidural next week. Who knows?

But all of the above, and more, obscure the actual obstacle to saying the things I most want to say. The pain of today, the depression of yesterday, the non-narrative art I make, and the manic good times I once chased are all distractions. Because what I want to convey is hard. That's it. It's hard to understand and express what I want to say. So all that gets channeled elsewhere.

I feel close to saying things I want to say.

How long with this period last, feeling close? I don't know. I do have hope that in the next upswing post-pain I may make progress.

I had more to say when I started. My working windows are small these days. I'm not fast enough to catch it all. And it's ok. That just illustrates what I'm talking about. Someday, maybe.

I've been listening to https://radiofreefedi.net/ while writing!

Oh! I should mention (and thought I did) that I have so many writing starts. So it's not that I'm distracting myself completely away from trying to put my thoughts into words. The obstacles narrow the window for doing the harder work of editing, compiling, finishing.