RMiddleton

Help that denies someone's agency isn't help. The solution to “Beggars can't be choosers” is that no one should have to beg for basic needs. Basic needs include respect for every human's autonomy. All choosers, no beggars. That's just.

Original post below.

January 21, 2024 @ https://paper.wf/rmiddleton/if-you-give-a-man-a-fish-hell-eat-for-a-day

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish he’ll eat for a lifetime. If you listen to the man telling you he’s a vegetarian you’re a good friend. I’m not a vegetarian but I am that man. A friend came by to “help me” because she was worried about not hearing from me. I had been avoiding my phone and would not have invited anyone over, but that’s why she just showed up. That’s her personality and it can be very helpful for someone like me to have that kind of friend. I do passive avoidance. I suppose maybe it’s because I have this demeanor that a strong willed person like her doesn’t listen to me. When she popped by I knew it was because she cares so I appreciated it more than I was annoyed. I just asked her to wait on my balcony while I showered and dressed. I asked her not to touch anything because I know she likes to clean. When I came out she had transformed my living room. And I’m still upset about it. Depending on what “type” of person you are you might be thinking I should be grateful, or that even if I felt surprised that I would quickly get over it and like it. But I don’t. And that’s why I reached for the fish metaphor. Having a messy home is not a problem that weighs on me. And it’s not that I’m ignorant as to how to clean and organize and in need of someone to show me. If anyone bothered to ask, I have two main problems that derail organization. One, I am unable to reconcile myself with an American society intent on creating as much waste as possible. I do stop and think before disposing of most everything; and this does cause a backlog of items that most everyone would label useless waste. This hasn’t happened accidentally or due to my neglect. I have a great deal of clutter precisely because I am thoughtful about it. Whisking it all away into waste is not a solution that suits me. That leads directly to obstacle Two in my path to greater organization. This status quo does cause me difficult feelings. The intervention that others prefer—quickly removing as much as possible as waste — does nothing to lessen these feelings & actually aggravates my unpleasant feelings. What helps me is time to think. Reusing as much as I can and resolving to make more conscientious choices in the future. If people really wanted to help they would join me in committing to less waste. They would buy less and they would pressure retailers and regulators to make less waste a priority. And if they can’t offer to do that—and let’s face it few if any probably would!—then they could help me in the way that I have repeatedly asked. I have told people many times that if they want to help me with housework all I really want is company while I do it. I don’t even get into the bits about my despair over wastefulness. I just say that while cleaning I often have difficult feelings and that having someone to smile and joke with and talk to, maybe drink some wine, would make all the difference. No one ever helps me as I would like to be helped. “Beggars can’t be choosers,” comes to mind. But I’m not begging. I beg people not to tidy my place without me and they do it anyway. There is a lot of “help” offered by individuals and institutions that demands the recipient forfeit their own agency. When it comes to individuals, like what happened with my friend, I think it’s something like this: The personality of someone who is eager to intervene is a “doer” personality. Sitting still while someone slowly makes their own decisions is unappealing, especially to those who “could do it better in no time at all!” The people who are most suited to calmly sitting and allowing me to take as long as I want to do as much or as little as I chose, well those people are all at home lamenting what to do about their own overwhelming issues!