RMiddleton

I struggle with character limits. I struggle with feeling connected. This post began on Mastodon.

One of the prompts that keeps me going on Mastodon is a hashtag #ScribesAndMakers. I like the style of questions. Keeping up with a daily prompt is difficult for me. I might miss a day or two, sometimes without even realizing. I guess that's ok, right? I do not live only online. Right? (He asks himself, uncertainly.) Instead of skipping questions I go back and answer them, because as I said I like this prompt. I am finding it helpful in organizing my thoughts. Many people respond thoughtfully, yet I'm uncertain whether I feel belonging in this group. Sharing and relating in art and online is the subject of this post. I know that I'm on a journey but I am unsure if I (a) am alone, (b) have companions, (c) accept companions, (d) am accepted by companions. Phew I “think too much”—definitely it's too much for social media character limits so I fired up the blog.

Today I noticed that I had missed yesterday's prompt, How's your goal going? Is there anything you would like help with?

That is a heavy question for me. Here is my answer:

I mentioned in the above answer that my current focus is survival.

Specific questions are easy. Big goal questions are hard for me to process. I have to trust in living day by day while making small improvements.

Help I Dream Of (seems too much to ask): Friends/family in Mexico; Collaborators {cowriters, podcast cohosts, or for brainstorm sessions}; Patrons.

This community helps a lot for now.

Irresponsible is the word that I think to describe including the “help I dream of” in that post! I can't ask people for things they can't do! But the question asked, Is there anything you would like help with? I could answer dishonestly. I could skip it. Or I could be myself & answer. So I did. (I've been writing for so long since I posted that, I already have replies. Maybe they're even helpful! I won't check them until later. One post at a time, sweet Internet.) I described the help I'd actually hope to have. But I'm also suspicious of social media replies. I put thought into the list of what I want. I don't want short, easy answers. I intentionally chose to ask for help that's cumbersome.

Big goals, seeking help, and whether social media offers community is what I had on my mind as I moved to the next prompt, today's. The following began on Mastodon. I've edited slightly and added more.

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#ScribesAndMakers for 16 March is a fun idea to foster conversation: Talk to a featured creator... Feeling belonging in a group informs my question: How has today been? Is it overwhelming to get so many questions? Has it felt like conversation or interrogation?

[Behind a content label, “Follow up,” I replied to the above in a new post.]

Question applies to all who share online: Do you feel part of a community?

I struggle with belonging, even wanting to belong. It's not limited to the internet, but specific aspects to being online interfere with me feeling connection. I'm posting a follow up before waiting to hear your response above! Because I may not be here later. Something in me doesn't believe conversations are taking place here, rather overlapping monologues.

I'm sorry. Fedi is helping.

[I exceeded the character limit & began another reply. I quickly exceeded the limit again & imported all to here.]

Character limits are part of the issue! On the one hand they might inspire me to say less, and wait for a reply before saying more. But this interface isn't “live,” isn't ideal for conversation. Posts here feel somewhere between texts & emails.

The good aspect of this format, like letters—O! how I miss letters!—is that the responses don't depend on immediacy. They will be waiting. We can take our time. Except the format rushes us. If I were featured creator today & receiving dozens of questions I would feel torn between answering promptly & concisely OR giving due consideration to the ideas raised. I feel it might take me a month to satisfactorily answer the questions I received in one day, if I was featured. Probably best not to feature me! Anyone else relate? I have a similar struggle with holiday cards — so much contact in a short span of time.

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These are good questions for me to ask about social media, creativity, and relationships online & offline.

That's really all I have to say for now. I was close to fitting these thoughts on Mastodon but it felt good to move it here. To sum up, what's on my mind is: creativity, self expression, openness to input; community building; limitations of media, formats, time/space, in-person and distant. I am critical of my inability to feel greater community, whether online or with those I know IRL. I feel distant from many friends whose values I perceive negatively. I find some camaraderie online while being aware that I do not know anyone well. And just as offline there's a lot of online expression that causes me to roll my eyes and feel distant. This paragraph is a mess LOL. Goodbye for now. (See, character limits can be a good thing too!)