Like a lot of these prompts, a simple question can be a tough question. Lately I'm not listening to music very often. I go through phases it seems. And when I do I often don't even know the lyrics; I'm drawn to the sound of it. Like I love to sing along to the following in French to stretch my mouth: Eartha Kitt singing Je Cherche Un Homme & Françoise Hardy roaring Je N'Attends Plus Personne. Even though I like the words in those I can't really say that the lyrics resonate. If I were going to select a favorite Eartha Kitt song with lyrics I embrace it would be Lazy Afternoon, a short (2:22) song about appreciating nature languorously with a lover. Does that resonate? Yeah I love being able to do nothing in nature. But it's another love song & I don't want to imply that someone else is required to enjoy a lazy afternoon.

Am I overthinking? What some call a hashtag game I call an opportunity for reflection. I re-listened to my Frank Ocean favorites. “Why see the world when you've got the beach?” (Sweet Life) I listen to Frank for the melodies more than lyrics. Or tbh I am always conscious of his role as a closeted-then-out gay hip hop star when I listen to Frank Ocean. What lyrics resonate with my life experience? In music I'm often drawn to mixing meaning and nonsense, in songs by Bowie, Prince, REM, Talking Heads, Negativland, & They Might Be Giants.

Then I remembered a snip from a They Might Be Giants' song I don't even love. Towards the end of XTC vs Adam Ant is a repeating line that has resonated with me for years, “There is no right or wrong.” I'm simple, I guess, to take a single line from a song here & there to build my philosophy around. As an atheistic humanist I've not had hymns to buoy me. I take inspiration wherever. There's a Scissor Sister's song, Everybody Wants The Same Thing & I used to sing those words when I was frustrated in traffic—like if there's six lanes & all the cars are backed up in one, because the majority are taking the same general path. That five word title—no matter any other lyrics in the song—helps me accept the frustrations of large group dynamics. Deep down it even hits me in the same way as the obvious message of Sting's Cold War ditty Russians. We all want the same things, to love & be loved—to drive home safely after work. Singing, “Everybody Wants The Same Thing,” helps me love others whom I do not know personally. And that helps me let go of frustrations.

There is no right or wrong is a guiding principle for me, somehow, despite me having strong ethics and values. Explaining my philosophy is a long term goal, possible writing project, more than I can make clear today. I'm attaching notes below.

While rediscovering music that resonates I found an old note in which I was brainstorming what I might say in abstract art classes. I had an idea—when I thought that Covid would end with near-universal vaccinations and continued attention to public health—that I would lead “abstract art experience” classes in my home for small groups. These would be opportunities for “normies” to express their creativity in a space of encouragement, where I would discuss the spiritual aspects of my art practice. The song XTC vs Adam Ant was to be a musical cue. Below are those notes. Apologies that they are not edited to be clear!



XTC vs Adam Ant would cue me to end of a free painting session. Add song twice so that we can listen to lyrics on second play. “Please continue to work, but I’m going to pause. I use this song as my cue to start talking again, about right and wrong decisions. This song is XTC vs. Adam Ant by They Might Be Giants. I have no idea why they would want to sing this about these two bands, but they themselves are musicians and I’m sure have a lot of weird thoughts about success in the music industry. Ultimately the song is absurd, if you listen to it, as many They Might Be Giants songs are. I’ve always really liked them somehow. They can inspire me to think deep thoughts while they sing what seems like nonsense. What I most appreciate about this song is when they repeat, There is no right or wrong…
Not every decision will have a right or wrong answer, and I for one need that reminder. So I’m so very glad to have this catchy refrain that I can turn to whenever I want. What about—feeling tense, tension in the body JUST DUE TO or JUST FROM or JUST WHILE typing into the phone and not getting it to work? This happened now while I'm typing but it's an opportunity to talk about how small tech frustrations can feel debilitating. OR OPENING PLASTIC PACKAGING! The Stress—what stress!—over such a small act. That’s why I so value my abstract practice of actions large and small none of which are subject to right / wrong judgments. Only instead of right/wrong I ask myself, do I like this, do I want to keep it or change it? How do I feel? For now in this moment that’s all that matters. I just dripped some separated whey that fell off the spoon as I was serving myself yogurt No that’s not what happened lol I stirred the whey back into the yogurt first in order to not deal with separated liquid whey AND the act of my stirring pushed some amount of the liquid whey against the side of the container causing a drop to fly out onto the counter. And it feels wrong. I messed up. I “made a mess” , gave myself more work to do, etc. And so what?! On the good news side today I discovered a new favorite spoon to use to eat yogurt because I accidentally used the “wrong” one.

These examples from my life show the harm and stress I might eperience thousands of times a day worrying about doing things right or wrong. I think I store it in my body pains, honestly. Repetition of so many little choices per day impairs efficient functioning and my health, physically and mentally, small and large. To go from little things to big ones, just trying to make it through life I’ve probably wondered thousands if not millions of times: Am I a good person? 
We feel we want to or need to think of ourselves that way. 
And I think that’s a harmful trap. 
I now believe FEELING GOOD is my goal in life NOT BEING GOOD. What’s the difference? It’s tied to the difference between doing and being. As self-referential as it is, I think feeling is more an action verb than being. Feeling is perceiving; being is just… being. We are not ever really going to know, to be able to judge ourselves once and for all as either good or bad. We just aren’t. Life is ongoing. So I cannot ever stop and say, I did it. I /AM/ good. I made it, I’m a good person now! (Or, always have been; or always will be, no matter what.) That label is useless to me, and as I’m saying I think worrying about it causes harm. Switch from being fo feeling. I /FEEL/ GOOD when I’m productive, when I’m creative, when I contribute to others. While BEING seems to be an equals sign between me and good, for me to eternally question in a binary way, am I or not? FEELING has degrees. Feeling is an action more than a state. It leads me to think about what I can do, what I will do to feel as good as I can. This realization has been transformative for me. I still have to fight not to fall into the old ways of thinking that have been so ingrained in me and can be so prevalent. But I feel empowered knowing that I can change my point of view by changing the questions I ask myself, from Am I Good? to Am I Feeling Good—and if not, what can I do to help me feel better? I experience a strong link between feeling good and doing good; and I think that if there is any real measure of being good it comes out of doing good. I just don’t think it’s ever possible to have enough perspective to say I AM GOOD. So I work to push that question aside and try to do good and feel good. There’s so much more here but this is intended to be an art experience with forays into philosophy. Just know that all of this thinking is very linked to why I make abstract expressionist paintings. 

THIS COULD BE THE END.

One of the prompts that keeps me going on Mastodon is a hashtag #ScribesAndMakers. I like the style of questions. Keeping up with a daily prompt is difficult for me. I might miss a day or two, sometimes without even realizing. I guess that's ok, right? I do not live only online. Right? (He asks himself, uncertainly.) Instead of skipping questions I go back and answer them, because as I said I like this prompt. I am finding it helpful in organizing my thoughts. Many people respond thoughtfully, yet I'm uncertain whether I feel belonging in this group. Sharing and relating in art and online is the subject of this post. I know that I'm on a journey but I am unsure if I (a) am alone, (b) have companions, (c) accept companions, (d) am accepted by companions. Phew I “think too much”—definitely it's too much for social media character limits so I fired up the blog.

Today I noticed that I had missed yesterday's prompt, How's your goal going? Is there anything you would like help with?

That is a heavy question for me. Here is my answer:

I mentioned in the above answer that my current focus is survival.

Specific questions are easy. Big goal questions are hard for me to process. I have to trust in living day by day while making small improvements.

Help I Dream Of (seems too much to ask): Friends/family in Mexico; Collaborators {cowriters, podcast cohosts, or for brainstorm sessions}; Patrons.

This community helps a lot for now.

Irresponsible is the word that I think to describe including the “help I dream of” in that post! I can't ask people for things they can't do! But the question asked, Is there anything you would like help with? I could answer dishonestly. I could skip it. Or I could be myself & answer. So I did. (I've been writing for so long since I posted that, I already have replies. Maybe they're even helpful! I won't check them until later. One post at a time, sweet Internet.) I described the help I'd actually hope to have. But I'm also suspicious of social media replies. I put thought into the list of what I want. I don't want short, easy answers. I intentionally chose to ask for help that's cumbersome.

Big goals, seeking help, and whether social media offers community is what I had on my mind as I moved to the next prompt, today's. The following began on Mastodon. I've edited slightly and added more.

#ScribesAndMakers for 16 March is a fun idea to foster conversation: Talk to a featured creator... Feeling belonging in a group informs my question: How has today been? Is it overwhelming to get so many questions? Has it felt like conversation or interrogation?

[Behind a content label, “Follow up,” I replied to the above in a new post.]

Question applies to all who share online: Do you feel part of a community?

I struggle with belonging, even wanting to belong. It's not limited to the internet, but specific aspects to being online interfere with me feeling connection. I'm posting a follow up before waiting to hear your response above! Because I may not be here later. Something in me doesn't believe conversations are taking place here, rather overlapping monologues.

I'm sorry. Fedi is helping.

[I exceeded the character limit & began another reply. I quickly exceeded the limit again & imported all to here.]

Character limits are part of the issue! On the one hand they might inspire me to say less, and wait for a reply before saying more. But this interface isn't “live,” isn't ideal for conversation. Posts here feel somewhere between texts & emails.

The good aspect of this format, like letters—O! how I miss letters!—is that the responses don't depend on immediacy. They will be waiting. We can take our time. Except the format rushes us. If I were featured creator today & receiving dozens of questions I would feel torn between answering promptly & concisely OR giving due consideration to the ideas raised. I feel it might take me a month to satisfactorily answer the questions I received in one day, if I was featured. Probably best not to feature me! Anyone else relate? I have a similar struggle with holiday cards — so much contact in a short span of time.

These are good questions for me to ask about social media, creativity, and relationships online & offline.

That's really all I have to say for now. I was close to fitting these thoughts on Mastodon but it felt good to move it here. To sum up, what's on my mind is: creativity, self expression, openness to input; community building; limitations of media, formats, time/space, in-person and distant. I am critical of my inability to feel greater community, whether online or with those I know IRL. I feel distant from many friends whose values I perceive negatively. I find some camaraderie online while being aware that I do not know anyone well. And just as offline there's a lot of online expression that causes me to roll my eyes and feel distant. This paragraph is a mess LOL. Goodbye for now. (See, character limits can be a good thing too!)