The Statue Got Me High

June 13, 2023

CW: Nudity

This is La Fontana del Nettuno, or Neptune’s Fountain. It stands in the Piazza della Signoria in Florence, Italy.

WideShotFountain This is what the ultra-rich used to spend money on, instead of social media sites

The Plan

The fountain was commissioned by Cosimo I de' Medici & created by Bartolomeo Ammannati in the mid 1500s. Both men sought to use this fountain to demonstrate their greatness- Medici with his largesse, & Ammannati with his skills. Neptune was the Greek god of waters & storms, which makes him a natural choice for a fountain. Ammannati supposedly modeled Neptune on Medici himself.

Neptune What are the odds he had a Captain America-on-the-run beard & literally chiseled abs?

I realize that Medici was paying the bills, but… come on…

Neptune’sButt As far as I’m concerned, that’s Tuscany’s Tookus!

Flattering your patrons is clearly one of the oldest art forms. From his official portraits we know that Medici looked more like Brendan Hunt.

The Execution

Quite a lot goes into building a fountain today, so you can imagine how much harder it was before computers & global supply sourcing & all the other modern conveniences we take for granted. Florentine artists incorporated all manner of materials in their art, but the most popular were marble, bronze, & wood. Obviously wood does not make for a very long-lasting fountain, so Ammannati planned to use marble & bronze. The fountain’s scale was so large, however, that they had a hard time finding enough materials! Neptune himself is made of Carrara marble, known for being snow-white. This earned the statue of Neptune the nickname of Biancone, or ‘great white’.

Two of the horses drawing his chariot are also white, but the other two are made of completely different marble. The marble was a brand new type called mischio that had been discovered in a Medici quarry. Ammannati wanted to use Medici marble for his Medici fountain. Sadly, the marble was so delicate it broke easily during shipping & carving. This meant they needed to transport & sculpt all new marble. It was starting to look like Ammannati was going to miss his deadline. So what does he do? He builds the rest of the fountain out of stucco & plaster!

Neptune’s Face styled on Medici He’d already made his barely-chinned patron look like this, what was one more fabrication?

The wildest part of the story is, it worked. The part-marble, part-stucco fountain was unveiled at the wedding of Francesco de' Medici I to Grand Duchess Joanna of Austria. Cosimo de' Medici looked like an amazing Duke, to give the city such a large & beautiful fountain. Ammannati looked like a genius sculptor. Then, once the party was over, Ammannati went back & actually finished the fountain!

I Want to be Like Ammannati

No, I’m not taking up sculpting. Well, I… No. No, I’m not taking up sculpting… Not now. I can barely fit painting into this tiny apartment! When I say I want to be like Ammannati, I mean I want to emulate his confidence in his vision. He was going to make the biggest Neptune fountain in Italy, & even running out of marble wouldn’t stop him!

I have been lucky enough to see this fountain twice. In 2005 it was tagged, broken, & kind of gross. Recently they finished completely repairing & restoring the whole fountain. It is gorgeous, not to mention wildly popular! I had to go there at 6 am, before they even turned the fountain on, so that I could take pictures without being overrun by the absolutely massive crowds that go there every day.

Ammannati had to rework his plans over & over. He had to make compromises. At one point, he had to literally fake it until he could make it. And here we are, 500 years later, still appreciating his work. Do you think that was part of his vision?

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