i am watching some live cam of my hometown. a lot of people hanging around by the riverbanks, enjoying the nice weather on a late may evening. it is still light outside.
it is groups of people, standing or siting around, throwing a object. and pairs of people strolling down the concrete path. single people only riding a bike, fast, through the picture. or the one single figure jogging along.
i wish i had a person to stroll down on the riverbank. talking, enjoying the setting sun and each others company.
i just thought about that there is no visual memory of me for almost the last 10 years.
did one exist if there is no “proof”?
The end of a friendship is weird. I heard a lot about friendships ending with a bang and that it hurts more than a teenage heartbreak.
But what about the ones slowly fading out? That contact that was once daily becomes a now and then. The phone calls that used to be once a week become an occasional one here or there.
The duration of those calls becomes shorter and shorter, but the silence becomes more and longer. Silences that weren’t there some moons ago. And you ask about a memory and the answer is a vague maybe. And you tell about something and there is no reaction through the line. You fall silent and seconds move along before some reaction from the other side. She seems occupied with something else. When she talks, you try to follow along. A yeah here, an ahmmm there. But her voice has an unknown ring to it. It reminds you of someone else. You can’t really stand that sound. That is weird.
Some old inside jokes still work. But somehow it is not nice. It is like a hollow, fragile object; too sacred to be touched, and too afraid to do so too.
And then you lie. Nothing big. Just that you are good, and you just don’t feel like doing things that once brought you joy. You can’t talk about the disappointment you have about your progress. The difficulties with your own averageness. But also a big one. You never said that you restarted the project and blocked her precautionary. A long time ago you would have told her about all that because she would have understood your reasoning. And about the fight you had with your mother last weekend. But it doesn’t feel like a space to share those things. You don’t think it matters.
No bang, no heartbreak. Does she notice like you do? Is it even true? Maybe for her everything is still as it was? She just has all those new people around her. And changes. Did she move twice or thrice since you last saw her? Good for her. You wish her well. But you are lonely.