bruxadomangue

“you can't seem to ever relax”, joan says. “you hold yourself like you must be always ready.”

“that's because i must.” she looks confused after my answer.

“ready for what?”

i shake my head. “i've no idea. i just know i must be ready.”

she clearly thinks i'm crazy. personally, in her place, i'd think the same.

---

“the radars can't reach that far”, jegerk says. “beyond the three galaxies, we can't find anything. she's as likely to be on galaxy four as she is to be on the other side of the universe.”

elyad looks completely broken. she doesn't say a word. i look from her to jegerk and i ask him; “so what can we do?”

jegerk seems unable to speak. eylad bursts into tears as i comfort her. “all we can do...” he finally manages to say, “all we can do is hope that she's safe, wherever she might be.”

---

“when did you move here?”

“would you believe me if i said i've no idea?” and before she can voice her confusion, i continue: “i've been moving nonstop for ages. i'm always trying to find a place i can enjoy life, but everywhere i go, i feel like i'm not welcome. everywhere i go, people want to hurt me.”

she's silent. even without telling her all the details of my case, she seems to relate to what i said.

as we watch the sunrise, i ask her, “do you think there's some kind of heaven for misfits like us?”

“i don't know”, she answers. “but if there is, and if i had found it, then i'd be there right now.”

“so would i.”

we remain silent as we watch the sky. she doesn't know that i already ran away from heaven once.

---

the day comes to an end. elyad has to be medicated in order to sleep. as for myself, i stay behind watching the sky. somewhere, beyond our knowledge, elyad's daughter stays. dead? alive? i don't know.

possibly, none of us will ever know.

wherever she is, whatever drove her to run away... however the hell she ran away... i can't help but envy her. dead or alive, i know she's better off than all of us here.

---

joan has left. i sit alone on the roof of this old building.

the city is deserted. beyond us, i never see anyone else. the entire world feels deserted, as a matter of fact. but i don't wanna venture beyond here.

somewhere, beyond the clouds above my head, my hell awaits me.

somewhere, beyond the limits of the ghost town, my heaven no longer exists.

and it's my fault.

september 06, 2025

“bruxa do mangue is lynn, and lynn is bruxa do mangue”

“não tem ninguém aqui”, ecoa a voz em minha cabeça. eu sei que ele se foi pra valer dessa vez. mas eu quero manter a ilusão. eu quero acreditar que ele vai entrar por aquela porta. que eu vou encontrá-lo aqui, novamente.

“não tem ninguém aqui”, ecoa a voz em meus ossos. as lágrimas não se acanham. a dor não diminui. mas eu persisto.

“não tem ninguém aqui”, ecoa a voz nas paredes. eu sei que ela mente. e mesmo que não minta, o que me importa, afinal? eu não quero acreditar nela. eu prefiro acreditar em minhas ilusões.

“não tem ninguém aqui”, ecoa a voz no meu corpo.

“não tem ninguém aqui”, ecoa a voz em meu coração.

“não tem ninguém aqui.”

april 04, 2022

“bruxa do mangue is lynn, and lynn is bruxa do mangue”

as águas escuras do oceano me envolvem inteira. o calor dentro de meu corpo foge; minha pele se torna gélida como o oceano.

eu não me desespero. eu não respiro. eu não morro.

os peixes nadam ao meu redor. eles encaram, curiosos, meu corpo nu, e um a um, arrancam pedaços de minha carne.

eu não me desespero. eu não respiro. eu não morro.

meus olhos se tornam inúteis – tão inúteis quanto eu mesma. eles não voltarão a ver nada. a água congelante me afaga de alguma forma.

eu não me desespero. eu não respiro. eu não morro.

meus braços se abrem. meu corpo continua afundando. nas gélidas águas, meu sangue se confunde com outros elementos. estou só.

eu não me desespero. eu não respiro. eu não morro.

eu sou, enfim, infinita.

may 21, 2021

“bruxa do mangue is lynn, and lynn is bruxa do mangue”

i dreamt once i could fly i saw all sorts of things in the sky i heard the rainstorms brewing above my head i heard the gods' heartbeats around myself through green valleys i passed and there were animals like i saw nowhere and they looked at me like i was strong and i looked at them like we were one

i flew across the seas and all the whales sang to me as i gave them a part of my love as we and the seagulls reshaped the world through dark forests i went and among the trees; among life so ancient i met a lost part of myself who taught me what i didn't learn in my nest

and we flew together in the night and we learned again what's it like to be alive

the moonlight on the purple sky kissed my skin softly as i kept flight and the sharp cold wind around me was realer than if i was awake, or in a dream atop a mountain, i met my young self and she laughed and played like i never dared and as i spoke of my fear, she laughed she held my hand, and a lesson she shared;

“golden wings can't ever be heavy fly; don't forbid your dreams; that's what's truly scary”

she showed me ancient ruins; we walked through and we stopped to rest there for a year or two and the snow made me feel alive again and the small plants were our old friends as i watched kid me treat the trees a comforting sadness consumed me remembering when i did that back then missing my best, old friend

and then there he was; smiling at us and two kids looked, respectfully, up and we healed the plants that needed to and jokes we cracked in this place that was, to me, new and as my time to fly came again i bid farewell to myself, to my friend and their proud looks meant so much to me and my open wings took me somewhere i'd never seen

and in the open cold skies, i was not alone above all, i was above no one

as i landed on a small island waiting for me was no old friend nor an old version or lost part of me it was my future that i could see and she was kinder than i to myself and as i told her all, she said “well, your journey this night comes to an end” and she hugged me like an old friend

and around us, everyone and everything i had met in this one dream appeared to wish me a safe return home to remind me i'd never be alone

and as they faded again into the air my future lovingly kissed my forehead and in the early morning, i opened my eyes again and in the cold air of early morning rain i knew i was alive i knew it was my time and joy overtook me

and it was as beautiful as my dream.

may 21 2021

“bruxa do mangue is lynn, and lynn is bruxa do mangue”