Happy Bi-visibility Day!

CW: Internalised Bi-phobia

I've had my bi-flag up on my profile over the summer. It's on my handle on Mastodon. Which gives me a mild bit of discomfort whenever that handle is scraped by other systems. I'm not used yet to being out.

But I wish I'd grown up with queer folks around me. I wish there'd been a culture of out folks around me growing up. But I grew up in the UK during Thatcher and during the AIDs epidemic.

In a small city in the North East of Scotland.

This is the reason I'm writing this.

It still feels new, and while the Fediverse is the open web, I still felt a bit of brief fear when the Maven ingest happened to 1.12 million Fediverse posts. I saw my profile name, on a network I had never even heard of, or posted on. The bi flag is on my profile name. With my posts being used to train an AI set. [5]

The brief flare of panic seeing that on Maven wasn't great. Stress flareups when you have Long Covid are not fun.

It may seem odd to fear that information being on the web. We post on the Internet and put flags on our handles. People will see that. Data leaks. But just because I post information on the internet, doesn't mean I consent to my handle and posts being used to train an AI dataset. Or that information scraped. Our data economy isn't based on consent, it is based on how valuable that information is to others. We're objectified. [1], [5]

So not a month after I put up that flag on my handle, I felt violated by Maven. While no one may be looking having that information on a network I had not signed up for was disquieting. A leaking of information to a network I had not heard of. To a group of people who seem antithetical to my ideas of community and identity in that community.

Airing out the closet

One of the reasons why Privacy is important to me is a feeling of control over what information I choose to distribute to other people.

As a child, I had very little control over my life. My parents chose what to tell me about, and could direct my information gathering. They could monitor me. As we get older, we want to control what others know about us and how we explore life. I used to be out of the house as often as I could when I lived with my mother. I needed privacy. I needed time to myself to think.

As a teen, I moved schools and kept parts of myself to myself. I'd been sexually harassed at my previous school at the age of 12. With what teens go through now, I'm glad my generation didn't have Facebook. I chose my mask well of a bookish straight girl, who was a bit weird. Sometimes I was defensively weird with too much information. It worked, the bullies left me alone.

Is this a closet I'm in?

Then one day, in my third year at secondary school, I realised I liked girls and boys. I remember standing in the school corridor, beside the head girl board. There was a girl and a boy who looked slightly similar. One was a friend of mine, and she was feminine, but also reminded me of Brian Molko from Placebo. The boy was a year older and looked similar enough. I wondered if they were related.

Then in that corridor, I realised I was attracted to her. She was a typical 90s girl, pale, with dark hair, and wore Doc Martens to school with a bob. She was quiet but projected a laid-back warmth. I used to joke that she was so laid back that she was horizontal. She was so chill, but not one of the “cool girls”. I liked her, then I really “liked” her. Suddenly that feeling was there. It felt in that moment it had always been there. It would always be there. The crush on the girl stayed, long after I'd dismissed her male doppelganger.

Cue the start of the confusion.

Am I gay now? Is it a phase? Are there others like me? What does it mean?

Is the closet really a thing?

It was the mid-nineties in Aberdeen. Homophobia was vocal. Slurs were openly used in my school. Our Secondary School wasn't really rough. But the rough school and the middle-class school had been combined. We had council estates and middle-class folks. You didn't want to be openly gay. I also didn't want to shrink my non-existent dating pool.

While Madonna was bisexual, it was dismissed as lipstick lesbianism. Ellen had come out and was dating Anne Heche. Then they split up. Cue more accusations of lipstick lesbianism of Heche. For representation, we had famous people. I had no idea who else liked girls. [6], [7], [8]

Growing up in Thatcher's Britain with Section 28 meant our sex education didn't cover this either. Legislation like this meant that it was illegal to do so. It wasn't normalised in our storybooks. I grew up not knowing anything about LGBTQ+ communities. Not in my small town before Aberdeen. Not at my schools. I didn't know this was normal. I was isolated, not knowing this was a valid orientation. I didn't know I was bi, I didn't know I could like both sexes. [9 -13]

Now as I wasn't considered dating material in school as I looked 12, this was not a problem. I was awkward. So nothing really changed.

Except I had a crush on a girl. She was awesome and private. She projected a gentle warmth. I still have a copy of a poem she wrote. It was a silly poem. But it was her. I felt it through me as a truth. I had a crush on her. While still having a crush on another boy.

Normally my crushes came once at a time, in an orderly queue. I'd get over a crush. Have some peace, then I'd develop another one. But my crush on her stayed. The boys got swapped out. The only common factor was I liked them as much as people. They were kind.

So it was there in the background. Do I like girls, or is it just this girl? Is it a phase? I knew I didn't want to tell her. I was already really awkward with my crush on a boy a year earlier. One of my frenemies published a thinly veiled story based on my crush, in the school newspaper. So I knew not to tell anyone.

My crush on the girl stayed quiet. I presented my guy crazy mask to my “friends” at school. I had no frame of reference. [9 -13]

Two years went by. Then my other frenemy decided to out the girl I had a crush on to me. “She's a lesbian”, my frenemy told me. “But don't tell anyone.”

I remember thinking. “Well, I know not to tell you about me.”

Did I talk to my crush about this? No. I didn't know if it was true. Plus if she was a lesbian, was I? Did I want to out myself as a lesbian in secondary school? There was no guarantee that she'd like me back in that way. I didn't want to risk it. I did not want the stigma. Especially since I still liked boys as well.

I felt the violation on her behalf though. Someone's sexuality shouldn't be gossip. Their trust when they choose to tell you that private information is betrayed when you out them. It's still surprising to me when the media decides to out people. There's no public interest in this. It's prurient. [1]

I put it to the background.

Peeking out

I attended University. I was still awkward. But I dressed better, and I gained confidence. I still looked young but I had a student ID now. I was that perfect combination, young-looking but over the age of consent. I went feral.

I fell in love with friends. Guys and girls both. I was careful to keep them as friends. Because I knew I fell hard and fast. I fell for someone who wasn't my friend. I didn't like him that much. But the sex was like catnip. I like sex. But I knew better than to catch feelings during sex.

Even then I did, and it was devastating when he dumped me. Then we got back together. Broke up again and I took a 9-month break from dating.

I got a crush on another girl. She was an ex of his. We met because my city is the biggest fishing village ever. We're all interconnected due to university and the oil industry. I was drawn to her gentleness and warmth. I hit on said girl. I crashed and burned, it was embarrassing. So I never contacted her again. I felt guilty, I made her uncomfortable. I decided to never do that again and pushed my attraction to women as far down as I could.

It was still there, but I pretended it wasn't. I felt I was a chaotic creature in my early twenties. A bit lost. I wanted an anchor.

I didn't even think to check if there was a gay and lesbian society at university. Was I gay? Is being bisexual a thing? Was I just curious? Why look?

I put it to the background. Still chaotic, still a bit feral. I've always trusted my male friendships more than my female ones. I did make some female friends. They were nice and supportive mostly. Part of me preferred the simplicity of my male friendships. I never trusted women-only spaces, I felt discomfort in them.

Some chaos still happened in my group. I broke my don't hit on friends rule. I knew I fell in love far too easily. I didn't need the chaos in my heart. I'd get random flashes of attraction to women. One of whom taught me a reiki hand routine. I still use that routine to this day.

The closet is cosy

I graduated and got an IT job. I ensured I didn't date at work. I gained a reputation at work for being quiet and shy. The folks who knew me outside work found this very funny. I wasn't as feral and chaotic as I used to be.

Then I found my person. We communicate well. But I didn't admit I like women and men. When you think you're in a heterosexual relationship, there's not really the urge to discuss sexuality.

Keep it quiet. Push it to the background.

Back in Aberdeen in 2006, we joined a friend who was helping another friend navigate the Gay scene in Aberdeen. The gay bar was nice. But I never went back. I'm in a hetero-normative relationship, and I thought I might be bisexual. But I had no idea if that was valid or real. Would it be attention-seeking? I was not sure if I'd be welcomed, so I didn't try to join in. I had no frame of reference, I knew nothing about LGBTQ+ yet.

I joined LiveJournal and my communities seemed kinda gay. But bisexuality is written as “exotic”. I wasn't “exotic”, I was still not sure if my feelings were a phase. But the queer fan-fic community was a comfortable space for me.

But no, I was sure I wasn't gay. I put it to the background.

Fast forward to LCA 2020 and the Women and LGBTQ+ Business Breakfast. I've never liked women-only events. I've never felt safe in straight female-only spaces. I've never related to them. I don't trust the kind of women who go to business breakfasts. But I decided to go to this one because I was trying to put myself out there more professionally.

This event was awesome. I met people who weren't straight and seemed comfortable with that. I felt safe in this space. I babbled about it to the organisers of the business breakfast. This switched something on in me.

I meet other bi folks there. This is awesome! It's real! I'm real! Being bisexual is a real thing!

Opening the door

I finally accepted that I am bisexual. I am awkward with both sexes, but I chose my husband because he's my person. He just happens to be a man. When I realised I was attracted to him, it was a bolt of realisation much like that first girl at school. Much like her, he projects warmth. He's kind and curious. He's an anchor, it helps me to hold on. When I came out about my bisexuality he was cool with it. It's just another facet of me.

My husband has a big heart. He shares it so well with friends and family. He shares it for far longer than many people deserve. I never feel lonely with him. I find his capacity for caring boundless. It honestly hurts me, when he hurts. He will literally exhaust himself for others and never ask for anything in return. So of course he accepted it. He loves me. I love him, and I'm very fortunate that I like him as a person as well. We have a friendship.

The only reason why I was able to come out to my husband was because there were tech people like me. Who are open about their bisexuality. It makes a space safer. There's a comfort in knowing you aren't alone in a part of your identity. It lessens the chaos. As a teenager, I do wish that there had been a queer community around me.

It's nice to know in my bones that I am bi. I am attracted to women and men. It's normal. It's not a phase. There's nothing wrong with me.

Frankly, it would be nice to have an official Unicode bi-flag. My mastodon bio has very limited space. But apparently, we're too rare. We don't rate one. Three hearts suck. Give us the flag, please. While you are at it, give other folks their flag as well. Those flags would be a lot more useful than a dodo emoji. [2 – 4]

It's nice that we have famous bisexual folks. However, representation matters in a more local sense, with the people in your immediate communities. When you see others who are around you, who are out, it creates a sense of safety. You can come out. There are other folks like you.

Stepping out

Coming out is a process. It starts by believing that there are others like you. You realise your orientation is valid. That happens when you speak to folks like yourself. You hope that people deserve your trust. I came out to my partner and then when I felt comfy enough I told my father. Funnily enough, my brother already knew, he's a millennial though. He already had friends who are queer. But other members of my family don't know. I needed to be comfortable enough in my identity to feel I could mention it casually. It takes a community to help you feel that comfort. It takes quiet conversations with like-minded folks.

It's bisexual awareness day today. We see a lot of bi-erasure and bi-phobia in our popular culture. Back in June, a famous TERF author went on about women who kiss other women for attention. That kind of attitude kept me in the closet for years. To be honest, it's probably part of the reason I've never trusted straight single-sex spaces, even while hiding in plain sight. I'd already been different growing up being the child of a disabled person. I had no desire to stick out more.

I wish I'd had people in my local community who could be open about their sexuality as a teen. The folks around me presented as straight. Perhaps they were mostly straight, but I had no idea. It might have reduced my emotional chaos in my late teens and early twenties. Perhaps not. But there is a steady feeling in accepting my sexuality. I have an extra anchor now, It's me.

Thank you to the community of folks around me who led the way for me. Being you.

You make it easier for us to feel safe enough to air out that closet, it was stuffy in there.
It's nice to breathe.

[1] https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jun/14/nobody-should-be-forced-to-come-out-famous-rebel-wilson [2] https://moreprideemojis.com/flags/bisexual.html [3] https://moreprideemojis.com/flags/ [4] https://www.change.org/p/unicode-unicode-google-and-apple-where-is-the-bisexual-flag-emoji [5] https://wedistribute.org/2024/06/maven-mastodon-posts/ [6]https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/a40900987/anne-heche-remembrance/ [7]https://greensboro.com/bisexuality-has-become-more-visible-in-the-90s/article_12a1a17b-65dc-59b2-8873-01e6f2766b8c.html [8]https://www.thepinknews.com/2021/03/01/madonna-sexuality-sex-newsnight-1990-twitter-lgbt/ [9]https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/cdp-2023-0213/ [10] https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1988/9/section/28 [11]https://www.theguardian.com/politics/homeaffairs/page/0,11026,875944,00.html [12]https://theconversation.com/twenty-years-after-section-28-repeal-lessons-still-need-to-be-learned-from-uks-homophobic-law-210928 [13]https://www.nrscotland.gov.uk/research/learning/features/lgbt-history-month